Redemption of a Monster
by Nightmare723764
Summary: A longer more in-depth summary is inside. Jake, A.K.A. The Sandman, finally bought it at the hands of an intended victim with a 9mm handgun. His death, however, is not the end, but a second chance. Will he recover what was lost in his youth, or will old habits drag him down again?
1. Chapter 1

Standard Disclaimer: I don't own nothing except for my OC Jake the Sandman. Everything else is the properity of their respective creator!

Summary: I never wanted to become this, a killer so infamous I gained a fucking cult following and a legend. I never ever wanted to kill my foster family (despite the abuse), to kill my neighbors, to kill people in the wrong place at the wrong time, I never wanted any of it!

But even if I consciously denied it, deep down in the darkest most twisted parts of my psyche and soul...I reveled in it. Sure I could blame abuse, but I think the truth is...I'm a natural born killer. Clinical psychopath. Use whatever term you deem appliciable.

Now I find myself in this seemingly innocent world of magic, ponies, dragons, and the like. Could this really be my 'second chance' that I've longed for?

But...can I ever truly be free...of the Monster I've become?

Summary part 2: A sort of crossover with the creepypasta Jeff the Killer, though I'm using elements of Jeff the Killer instead of the character himself so it's not a true crossover.

This is an idea that's been eating away at me for awhile and I figured I'd give it a shot.

Is there going to be any humanxpony loving? I honestly don't know Yes there will but I don't know with who yet, this is a spur of the moment story, I do know however the tags are maybe subject to change.

My character despite being based of Jeff the Killer is not in fact Jeff the Killer!

Also this story is co-authored by my partner-in-crime, fellow member of Team Mare Gobblers, and all-around psycho WhoNeedsSanityAnyways (or WNSA for short)!

**Chapter 1: My Death, My Second Chance**

_I guess my story began with my death... no, my death only led to my 'second chance'. My story, however, started long before that._

_I guess I should explain a little about how I became what I am; a killer. I never knew my parents, I grew up in foster care. As I grew up, I was passed along from foster home to foster home; some good, some bad, and some hellish._

_Abused from a young age, I became an introvert; preferring to seclude myself away from the world in books. Mysteries, suspense, sci-fi, fantasy, and horror novels._

_I guess that's what started my fascination with the morbid and macabre._

_When I turned sixteen, things... changed. Dark urges and murderous fantasies flitted through my mind with ever increasing frequency, and I starting to feel a dark burning rage- no hatred. A hatred towards people, towards myself, towards everything and everyone really._

_It was with my latest and final foster family where things come to a final, murderous conclusion._

_I won't go into details. Mainly because each time I think about it, I develop a 'murder boner', which absolutely horrifies me. It also repeatedly reminds me that I've long become a depraved, murderous monster._

_The last thing I said to my foster dad- something that would become my signature, was something he'd say every night after he would beat me bloody…_

**_GO... TO... SLEEP_**

_My first murder, like so many others, set the tone for all my future murders. Over the next two years, I became the boogieman, the thing that goes bump in the night!_

_I became a motherfucking urban legend; The Sandman._

_And along the way, somehow, I developed a fucking cult following!_

_Just goes to show that the good ol' U.S of A is chock full of sick, deranged motherfuckers, kindred spirits, if you will._

_Actually, no, that's not right. There's a major fucking difference between me and my "fans"._

_I have the will and the means to do what I do._

_They don't._

_At each murder scene the police found my signature, my calling card, as it were. Usually it would be on the wall above my victims, meticulously written in their blood._

**_GO... TO... SLEEP_**

_Funny thing about that though, is that I myself, was "put to sleep" not by the police, not by a victim that got lucky in the initial fight to subdue them, but a child. A little boy, ten going on eleven, I think._

_I had just finished off the parents and was about to help the children sleep; the boy, my killer, and two little girls. The trio fled into their parents room, no doubt to check and see if mommy and daddy dearest were still alive, while I was drinking a bottle of shitty beer. Little fuckers must've scrambled for the closet as soon as the heard me making my way back into the parent's room._

_I remember I would usually call out to the children, trying to coax them to coming out. That I only wanted to help them sleep. Not this time._

_Before I could even open the closet door, I caught six 9mm rounds to the chest. The little boy found his fathers not-so-cleverly hidden 9mm semi-auto pistol, shot me through the thin plywood of the cheap hollow-core door._

_Clever boy, I remember thinking as I stared dumbly at my bleeding wounds._

_If it wasn't for the ghoulish circumstances, I would've found my delayed-reaction humorous._

_I don't remember falling down, I don't remember the police, I certainly don't remember the EMT's taking me away._

_All I could think about was that little boy, that clever little boy and his sisters._

_The children I orphaned without care._

_Dying brings a surprisingly sharp sense of clarity and pulling one from the depths of a prolonged psychotic episode._

_I remember being brought to an operation room; but my mind was too busy being horrified at my actions for the past two years._

_Without the psychotic haze I was besieged by two years of guilt._

_How many lives have I ended?_

_How many families have I destroyed?_

_How many children have I orphaned?_

_How many? How many?_

_Deep inside, I knew I'd never pay for my crimes, I would never see the inside of a court room. The little boy, that clever child, he ensured my death. Not a clean fast one, but a slow agonizing one._

_I don't deserve a fast, clean death... not after all I've done._

_In my last moments of life I thought of only two things; how I would give anything for a second chance, and of that boy. That clever, clever boy._

_Kid deserves a fucking medal, a Presidential Medal of Freedom! Why? I'll tell you why! Not only did he save his own life and god-knows how many more that night, he also freed me._

_Freed me? From who? From __myself__, that's who. Freed me from the fucking monster I'd become._

_And so ended the Legend of the Sandman, put to sleep by one of his would-be victims._

_Karma's a bitch, huh?_

_Well, that's how it was supposed to end, anyways. But, it appears that fate is either a sucker for redemption, or has a twisted sense of humor._

_Why? Because instead of going to burn, I woke up in a world unlike any other._

_Fuck me, right?_

-Jake-

I'll be honest, I never expected to wake up again. And I expected my personal afterlife to be more... hellfire and brimstone in all honesty.

Instead I find myself in a dungeon straight out of medieval Europe.

Very disorientating, I admit, but a much better alternative to eternal burning and torment, right?

After looking around for a few moments, I looked down and started patting myself down. You know, I didn't think you'd keep your clothes in death.

So color me surprised to find out that I was still wearing my bloodstained hoodie, complete with six fresh bullet holes, my faded blue jeans, and worn sneakers.

Then I found something that really surprised me, well rather freaked me the fuck out truth be told.

My Ipod! How in God's green earth did my Ipod wind up in my pocket? Why the fuck am I questioning this? I took six bullets to the chest! I should be dead! Yet I'm still alive, and in a dungeon, so…

I quickly dismissed the mystery and put some ear buds in, preferring not to ponder my situation to deeply. The only thing that lies that way is _madness_.

For whatever reason, the image of a tiny pink horse comes to mind. A tiny. Pink. Motherfucking. Horse.

Fucking weird that...

Instead, I powered on my Ipod, flicking through the numerous songs until I found my favorite; "Sweet Dreams are Made of These"

As I listened, I unintentionally started singing along, something that usually got me in no small amount of trouble, due to the fact that I simply could not carry a tune to save my life.

Of course, that didn't bother the tall white horse standing in front of my cell. Why not?

"Why, hello there! I must say, you have a wonderful singing voice."

I guess that ponies are either tone-deaf, or I somehow gained an aptitude for singing when I rose from the dead!

I mean, why the fuck not? Despite the six 9mm slugs I ate, I'm still alive, and there's a tall, white… wingycorn talking to me.

In English.

Why. The. Fuck. Not?

I'm totally unashamed to admit that I had a _very_ minor freakout, but let's be honest, who the fuck wouldn't? I mean, not only is there a goddamn wingycorn speaking to me, but I can clearly understand her (and with that feminine, motherly tone, it couldn't be anything _but_ a female)!

It's too bad, really. I've always wanted a legitimate reason to scream "English, muthafucka, do you SPEAK IT?" at someone. Some... pony? Fuck me.

Which brings me back to my current predicament. I'm no fucking Einstein, but I do know that I'm either: a), in a different dimension, or b) in a fucking coma.

I'm confident that it's door number two, 'cause I I'm hurting too goddamn much to be dead.

Which, once again, brings me to my current fucking predicament! I'm probably stuck in a land of talking horses!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

Why. The. Fuck. Not.

Have you ever felt like the Powers-That-Be and that Existence itself are fucking with you?

"Uh... thanks?" Brilliant! Great fucking job at First Fucking Contact, dumbass! Well, I suppose it could be worse.

Hell, I could've said something unforgivably cliche like "Take me to your leader!". If I knew then what I know now...

Of course, the horse giggled at me. She fucking _giggled_ at me! Obviously, this bitch doesn't know that I'm a legendary goddamn killer! You _don't_ laugh at a legendary goddamn-

Did I really just take fucking _pride_ in my killing skills?

That is just soooo fucking sad!

"Ahem... uh- I'm Jake and... uh... can you tell me where I am? Or why I'm not dead?"

Judging by her widening eyes, I think I surprised her, especially with my second question. Dunno why, it's a valid question! I caught six rounds to the chest and lost waaay too much blood to survive. Hell, the little bastard managed to put two rounds in my heart, which wasn't too surprising, not at that range. Point is, not even the best of the best could have saved me by the time I reached the hospital!

So why am I here instead of burning in Hell? Oh, please tell me that Great White here isn't gonna turn into some eldritch abomination made of teeth and tentacles! Please!

Honestly, though, I doubt it's divine providence. Two years of killing like a mad dog has no doubt put me on the Big Guy's shit list!

"Oh, where are my manners? I am Princess Celestia, co-ruler, with my sister Luna, of Equestria." She answered with a slight bow "And as to why you are not dead, it was foal's play for the Royal Surgeon to extract the metal objects in your chest, and speed up your body's natural healing process. Once we stabilized you, that is. You should consider yourself very lucky, young colt, for you were at death's door when you were found by my guards." She paused, looking at the dungeon with thinly veiled distaste. "I apologize for your current lodgings, by the way. I assure you, the only reason you're here instead of the infirmary is because my Royal Guard Captain was rather insistent that you be placed here, for our protection as well as yours."

Young colt? What the fuck is she- oh! I get it! She must not be very smart if she thinks I'm a fucking horse.

Sound like that captain is a smart horse thingy though, or smarter than Great White, at any rate. Though whether he insisted because he could tell I'm dangerous, or if it was a matter of paranoia or xenophobia is the question.

Probably the first one, though. My bloodstained clothes probably helped him arrive at that conclusion, heheh.

"You seem rather pleased... may I ask you why?" Celestia asked, narrowing her eyes into a suspicious half-glare.

I put away my Ipod and thought about the best way to answer Celestia's question. Sure, I could lie, but something's telling me that would be a bad fucking idea. I could tell her the truth in good faith, and simply pray to anything listening that she wouldn't have me executed. But then again she might be moved by my desire for a second chance. What to do, what to do?

Oh, to hell with it. Honestly, what do I have to lose?

"Well... ya see Princess... it's a rather long morbid and horrific story." _Please don't kill me! Please don't kill me!_

And so I told her a tale of an abused boy who would become the legendary killer, The Sandman. Everything from the very first murder, to the following two years (I glossed over them but I did make it clear that it only got worse), to my final pair of murders, and slowly dying at the hands of that clever little boy.

I told her everything, the crushing guilt that threatened to consume me when my psychotic haze faded enough for coherent thought, and what were meant to be my last living thoughts.

My desire for an undeserved second chance.

Celestia tried to keep a stoic expression on her face as she listened to the entirety of my gory, somber tale. The occasionally wince at a particularly horrific detail was expected, but her eyes were what truly gave her away. She was horrified, a natural reaction, but she also appeared to be… deeply saddened? Cry me a fucking river, lady.

I made my fucking bed, and I was willing to sleeping in it, even if it was six fucking feet under.

There was no doubt though that she realized the killings wouldn't have happened if the foster care system was more vigilant, if they screened foster families more thoroughly. I _could_ just simply lay blame on the foster care system... but that would be a lie.

Well... a half-lie really.

"I will not lie to you, Jake, if what you have told me is true, then you have committed countless atrocities, Jake. Atrocities that I'm not sure could ever be forgiven, nor am I sure that they _should_ be forgiven." Tell me something I don't fucking know! "However, the fact that you feel genuinely feel remorse, and weren't in complete control of your actions is the only reason you are still within Equestrian borders."

Is it possible to be relieved and terrified at the same time? Should it be possible?

"It is a personal belief of mine that everyone has a bit of good in them, no matter how evil they seem. My sister and I will discuss this. I shall return tomorrow to inform you of our discussion."

With that Celestia left me all by my lonesome in my cell. I let out a heavy sigh as I listened to her hoofsteps fade away, and started thinking, a bad habit of mine that I _really_ need to kick.

But let's be honest, what are the chances of a ruler allowing a monster to roam free amongst her subjects? Even if the monster wishes to redeem himself? Honestly, death would've been preferable, as waiting is a torture rivaling what I put my last victims through.

Who would've thought the 'Pure and Divine" Celestia could be so cruel and sadistic?

Ah, a mare after my own black heart!

-Celestia-

Celestia meandered into the throne-room she shared with Luna and plopped down onto her throne, so deep in thought she didn't hear her sister Luna trying to catch her attention.

That problem was resolved when Luna bopped Celestia on the nose, sleepily giggling all the while.

"Tia, why have you awoken me so early?" The Princess of the Night said with a yawn "Surely whatever it is could have waited for a few more hours?"

Celestia didn't reply right away, opting instead to observe her younger sister. It had only been six months ago that Luna- or rather, Nightmare Moon, had broken free of her imprisonment in the moon, and expelled from Luna's mind by the Elements of Harmony.

While Luna was back to her pre-Nightmare self, she was still a thousand years behind on- well, everything. So during the last six months, Luna had been giving her all to adapt to this new world. It was rather endearing, how hard she tried to memorize everything she possibly could.

It reminded Celestia of a certain lavender unicorn that she mentored.

All her free hours, which were many since Luna didn't revive the Lunar court, were spent studying a thousand years worth of history, economics, customs and traditions.

One thing Celestia positively adored was Luna's incessant chatter with her Lunar Guard to help 'modernize' her speech.

"_Bless those Lunar Guards cause Lulu can be quite the chatterbox."_ Celestia thought fondly.

Pulling herself out of her musings, Celestia motioned for her sister to listen.

"Luna, when you are doing your rounds in the Dreamlands, I wish for you to pay particular attention to the dreams of our guest. He has told me... many disturbing things, but he expresses regret over his actions, and wishes for a second chance. I want to know if he truly desires a second chance, and wishes to make amends for the atrocities he has committed."

Luna frowned and nodded at the request. While unusual, it wouldn't be the first, nor the last time Luna had to suss out the true character of another.

"It will be done, Tia." Luna said with a mock bow "Now, can I _please_ go back to sleep?"

From the highest tower to the deepest dungeon, Celestia's laughter echoed throughout the castle, causing many ponies to wonder just what tickled Celestia's funny bone, before dismissing it and resuming their routines.

Business as usual at Canterlot Castle, right?

Jake simply wondered if Celestia was on drugs, and if she had any to spare?


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Dreams of a Killer**

-Luna-

Princess Luna has walked through many dreams; the dreams of ponies, dragons, gryphons, zebras, and many more. She has seen the best and worst of all species. Seen the most terrifying of nightmares, and the most deranged and horrifying of fantasies.

Yet Luna is proud to admit she had almost never seen any signs of immense abuse, not to say abuse is non-existent it's just minor at most. But there are exceptions to this, exceptions to prove the rule.

Of course, Luna is referring to the crippled pegasus filly Scootaloo. Even after being away from her abusive home for nearly a year now, she still has nightmares, and still cannot fly.

But Jake the Human's early years shaped him in ways that shouldn't have happened to anyone.

Consciously, he became a reclusive bookish introvert much like Twilight Sparkle was at one time, only far worse.

But subconsciously, his abusers inadvertently sowed the seeds of a monster that would become the Sandman, the most infamous and legendary serial killer in history!

Honestly, these humans are so utterly _barbaric_ and _savage_ to each other, it's amazing that haven't gone extinct!

Luna took a breath and attempted to calm herself. Needless to say, it was rather difficult.

"_Okay now, let's see if he really does want to have a second chance."_

She went to the memory of his final, and possibly most gruesome, murder. In this memory she would learn if he truly wished for that second chance.

She might also see if any lingering remnants of the Sandman still exist.

If they do, well, there's not much she could do. Though Jake and the Sandman's situation is a much darker parallel of her connection with Nightmare Moon… their situations were different.

Very, **very** different.

For one, Nightmare was a demonic spirit that corrupted her through her own petty jealousy, something easily cleansed by the Elements of Harmony. However, while the Sandman is very much a manifestation of hatred, it's also a natural part of his psyche.

And to remove such a major part of his psyche could only do more harm then good. Best case scenario, he would have the intelligence of a yearling.

Worst case scenario? He'd slip into a vegetative state and eventually die.

Her musings finished, Luna concentrated before forcing the dreamscape to conform to her desire.

She desires to see the Sandman's last massacre.

-Jake-

_I looked back and forth between the parents with a vicious grin on my face. For an older couple, they put up quite the fight._

_But that's okay; I rather enjoy the sport!_

_Besides, the fighters are oh so much more satisfying, the more energy they have the more satisfying it is to help them sleep!_

_The children ran away as I played with their parents, it's okay though._

_They're just tired, and need to go to sleep…_

_Which they will, after I'm finished toying with their parents, that is. I haven't even gotten started on them yet!_

_But, it would seem that they are wearing entirely too much, the clothes would do nothing but soak up all the glorious, vibrantly crimson blood!_

_With a rather joker-esque grin I started to cut their clothing off. I bent my head down and whispered into lard-ass's ear as I cut his nightshirt off._

"Let's put a smile on that face!"

_The father first, a fat slovenly thing that seems to be more blubber than actual flesh. It goes without saying that I leave the slob's pants on._

_Ugh… this guy looks like four hundred pounds of clogged arteries and cholesterol! Hell, apparently even the wife agrees with me- what the fuck?_

_I lean over the wife, is… that make up?_

_Who the fuck wears _makeup _to bed?_

_I grabbed a piece of the slob's shirt and start to gently rub off the makeup. After all, why waste good suffering when the show hasn't started yet?_

_Wait a second, is… that a… FUCKING __**BRUISE**__!?_

_Oh… I'm going to take my time with you fatass._

_You're going to squeal like a stuck fucking piggy… and I'm going to enjoy every second of it!_

_I looked around, and saw something that made me grin with sadistic joy; an ironing board!_

_And if they have an ironing board, they must have an iron! Excellent! Don't want ol' fatass here bleeding out too fast after all!_

"_Now don't you move!" I looked over at the wife "Trust me… you're going to enjoy what's coming."_

_I stood up and started to snoop around, because why the fuck not? I love snooping around! You never know what you'll find!_

_As I snooped I finally started noticing how… strange this house is._

_No windows, the walls were obviously soundproofed, and there's a lingering chemical smell in the air… what is that?_

_...Is that… bleach and ammonia?_

_...Well… this certainly isn't helping fatass at all…_

_Hmm… fatass really doesn't want me to open this storage closet… wonder why?_

_I open the door and for the first time that night my smile fell._

_Now don't get me wrong, I'm a bloodthirsty, psychotic bastard… but this shit… this shit is just monstrous!_

_Handmade fucking torture tools!?_

_Seriously, what in the actual fuck is this!_

_I thought this guy just smacks her around! I didn't expect this guy to be a fucking sadist!_

_Cat 'o' Nine tails, the Pear of Anguish, an Iron fucking Maiden!?_

_Seriously, what the fuck? This guy's worse than _I _am!_

_Then I had at idea, an awful idea._

_A splendidly awful idea._

_Grabbing the cat 'o' nine tails, I approach the fatass, intending to- hold on a second… how does this work?_

*whip-CRACK*

"_AAAAGGGHHHHHH!"_

_Oh. That's how! I'll be goddamned if that ain't awesome! I need me one of these!_

*whip-CRACK*

"_AAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH!"_

_Oh and look at that! This has spurs on the ends! _

_Oooh! Look at that lovely bloodsplatter! Hell, if I keep this up, I might be able to recreate one of those pointless fucking rorschach tests on the wall!_

_Hmm, need to find that iron so he doesn't bleed out and die on me, cause this bastard isn't going to get the easy way out._

_I want him awake for the _WHOLE _routine!_

_I put the whip aside and resume my search for the iron. I mean, sure I could just heat up a skillet and do it but… I've never used an iron to cauterize a wound before._

_Would it even work?_

_Guess I'll find out._

_Ten minutes… ten FUCKING minutes I wasted, ten minutes when it was in the fucking closet the whole goddamn time!_

_Always in the last place you look, right?_

_Letting out an irritated sigh, I plugged the iron in and let it start to heat up. Now what do I do?_

_I don't want to start on the woman yet, after all she looks like she's enjoying her bastard husband's suffering, and I've never had an audience before._

_It's a rather novel feeling for my sadistic skills to be appreciated._

_She still going to die though, though it'll probably be quick and relatively painless._

_...Maybe._

"_So lady… how long you been this fat fuck's torture doll?"_

_Yeah, so I talk to my victims… so fucking what!? It ain't like they're gonna be able to turn me in, heheheh._

"_T-three years today."_

_Wow, just wow! Three years? Of this shit? _

_Either this fat fuck knows a crooked doc that keeps this shit on the down-low, or he was a respectable doctor at one time_

_Personally, I like the crooked doc theory better. The idea of this fat, sadistic fuck putting innocent folks under the knife makes my skin crawl._

"_You're enjoying tubby's suffering... aren't you."_

_It wasn't a question so much as it was me stating the obvious. No idea why, but it shocked me to see her agree so easily. Fuck, she's even grinning at me!_

"_Well, why don't you consider this an anniversary present, then? From me, to fatass, to you, with love!"_

_Honestly, she looks like she either wants to fuck me or marry me._

_And with that, I'm seriously debating on keeping her now… Hell, I'm pent up as it is. Maybe I'll tie her down and have my way with her, then revel in her betrayal as I slit her throat. As it turns out, consent isn't retroactive, especially not when they're _dead!

"_So, any requests then?"_

_She honestly looked thoughtful! Oh, it just keeps getting better and better!_

"_Any request that doesn't require me to release you."_

_She pouted! She fucking __**POUTED**_ _at me! Argh, my black heart bleeds!_

_See, even _I _can make a funny!_

"_...Well... waterboarding is out. What if I… ooh! What if I remove his fingernails with pliers?"_

_Ok, I seriously don't know if I'm sporting a murder boner or a regular boner right now! Probably a little of both!_

_Or rather a _lot _of both, if the way my jeans are tenting outwards is any indication._

"_...If didn't know I couldn't feel love, I'd honestly think I that was in love with you right now!"_

_Did… she just blush? She seriously blushed from a compliment coming from a psychotic serial killer that has not only been brutally torturing her husband, but asking for ideas!?_

_This bitch must be as deranged as I am! That settles it though, I don't do well with competition. She will just have to die! Of course, I'll give her a hot beef injection or ten before I off her, might as well give her a reward for being a good to-be murder victim._

"_So… where are the pliers, then?"_

_Seconds later I'm staring at the pliers. Course, they were in that goddamn closet. If those things were a snake…_

_Shaking my head, I grabbed the pliers, desperately trying not to imagine what the fat fuck used them for. Hey, even I get nightmares… hard to believe isn't it? The stuff of nightmares… having nightmares. Funny how that works._

_Once I got started on fatso, time started flying by, whether it was just a couple minutes or hours I'm not too sure really, but you know what they say; time sure flies when you're having fun!_

_I whipped him raw, removed finger and toe nails, forced him to eat them, gave him a little electroshock therapy, removed his eyelids, castrated him and forced him to eat his own tiny dick, then spent ten minutes being violently ill, followed by that Chinese needle torture that I read about one time._

_And then, when I'd reduced him to a pitiful, whimpering pile of fat and agony, I pulled out the piece de la resistance!_

_I forced him to watch me fuck his wife like a dog in heat._

_Apparently she developed a thing for restraints, cause she __**loved**_ _it! She's a goddamn good lay too… almost reconsidered not killing her._

"_Okay… now what else can I do to you?"_

_Almost._

_The fat fuck, at that point, was nothing but a broken shell of a man, begging to be put out of his misery._

_As if it'd be that easy! Mercy is a virtue, and it just so happens that I possess _neither _of those._

_But… I honestly don't know what else I could do to him? I'd physically, psychologically, and spiritually broken him._

_He didn't even make a sound as I fucked his wife like a back-alley whore!_

_This is seriously the most disappointed I've been in a while! That newly wed couple a month back had way more fight in them! Of course, they were _"in love"_, or whatever, desperate to survive and live their lives out! A pity, really, they were only a couple years older than I…_

_But such is the world. Besides, I don't need to reminisce on the screams of victims past, I have two to attend to right now!_

_So back to fatass… Sure, I could fuck his wife again but… I _need _to know this abusive, sadistic fuck is suffering! It's just not as fun otherwise!_

_So, seeing no other option, and with no small amount of regret, I cut him from ear to ear._

_I shit you not I think that fat fuck actually __**thanked**_ _me, something that pissed me off to no fucking end!_

_Huh… I just realised I never cut out his tongue! Damn it!_

"_Now… what to do to you?"_

_The slut was probably hoping that I'd take her again, but I didn't know if I wanted to give her that satisfaction._

_After all, it _is _her turn._

"_I know you're wanting another go, probably over the fat fucks corpse, but…" I start to grin "...It's your turn, sweetheart!"_

_The look of betrayal would've probably hurt more if I wasn't a heartless, psychotic serial killer. If anything… it just made me even more eager!_

"_Don't worry… I won't feel a thing!"_

_Once again, I lost track of time, something I really need to get control of, but I had fun still!_

_I choked her out and slapped her awake well over a dozen times, I had to remove her shirt to do so which made me wish the fat fuck was alive so I could torture him more. Her once-soft breasts were a roadmap of pain and abuse, both old and new! Scars, cigar burns and shallow stabwounds crisscrossed her torso and arms like a fucking patchwork quilt!_

_No wonder she wears such conservative fucking clothing!_

_Now, a "normal" person would've probably stopped right there, out of pity or a desire to help._

_Me? I think it's already been established that I am _far _from "normal". But regardless, I did pity her, but in a different way._

_I slit her throat like I did to her husband, giving her as gentle a smile as I could as she drifted away._

_I pitied her, so I helped her the only way I could. A true mercy kill._

"_Shhh, hush now… just close your little eyes and _**go to sleep**_." I whisper softly "Your kids will be with you soon."_

_I couldn't help but to sigh as I stood up. While the husband was satisfying, the wife… just wore me down. She was by far the most mentally exhausting victim I've ever done. I felt something that felt like… regret, remorse, but that couldn't be, it just couldn't! After all, I was helping them go to sleep!_

_Man… wonder if they have some beer in the fridge?_

_I lick the blood off my fingers as I wander into the kitchen and open the fridge. Even more fucking disappointment awaits me when I see the contents of the fridge. Beer, ketchup, mustard and mouldy cheese. Wow… that fat bastard drinks Pabst Blue Ribbon? Fucking hipster._

_It's funny, I imagined him as more of a Coors man. Whatever, beer is beer, even if it tastes even shittier than usual._

_I shrugged as I popped the cap off and took a light drink. I fucking hate bottles. If you knock them back too fast, they foam up real bad! At least with a can you can slam it down!_

_I sit at the kitchen table and slowly sip at my beer without a goddamn care in the world. I'm a smart cookie, you see, I cut the phone lines earlier so I don't have to worry about the police or anything._

_And them profilers say psychopaths are incapable of planning ahead! Ha, I say!_

_But break-time is over. Better go find the kids and finish them off. I grabbed two more bottles and trudged back into the master bedroom, sitting on the bed as I started on my second bottle._

_I glance over at the two corpses laying there. Serene. Boring. Hmm… while I have no problem desecrating the dead… I honestly can't bring myself to mess with the wife._

"_...I always wanted to play doctor." I mused as I glanced at the dead husband. Nah, not him. I'd probably end up pulling out more fat than organs._

"_...But I really don't want to torment the wife's dead body. She's been through enough hell as it is."_

_Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place!_

_In the end I decided to just fuck with the husband, you know, the usual, dismemberment and the like. Fun!_

_Of course, I was inspired by the Evil Dead for the dismemberment! Such a beautiful movie, although the whole "Evil Forest Rapes the Woman" scene kinda disturbed me._

_Yeah, imagine that! Something disturbing moi? I'm just chock full of surprises, I am._

_After I finished giving lard-ass his "special treatment" I decided to give the tormented wife the respect she never got in life. I threw her over my shoulder and trudged to the bathroom to clean her off._

_The fact that it eliminates any and all evidence of our sexual escapades is a pleasant bonus!_

_After she's squeaky clean, I take her back to the master bedroom and lay her on the bed. Scratching my cheek, I decide to cover her with the blanket, a makeshift death shroud. That's when I noticed the sound of panicked breathing._

_Ah! My little victims hid in the closet! No doubt eager for me to help them sleep!_

_No, I'm really not that crazy, but I like making people think I am! Nevertheless, I had them cornered, and it was time to finish them off. Quick and painless, the usual for children. No point in making them endure some of the torments I'd had to deal with, I'm not that much of a monster._

_Yet._

_I stalked towards the closet door, careful to make sure that each footstep was a solid one, the heels of my steel-toed boots thumping against the hardwood floor as I slowly advanced on my little victims._

"_It's okay children, you don't need to be afraid of me! I just helped your mommy and daddy sleep, that's all-"_

_*BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG*_

_The closet door opened, giving me a look at my executioner, a young boy holding a smoking handgun in his trembling hands. Then I turned my attention to the six bloody holes in my chest._

_Huh… well, that's unexpected!_

_I guess it's true that your life _does _flash before your eyes when you're dying._

_I didn't hear the police storming in._

_I didn't notice the EMT's carrying me off._

_All I could think of… was the guilt… why am I feeling this? I hadn't felt it before._

_I… am I… feeling guilty… for killing so many?_

_But… I… I was helping them! I… they… they needed help… I helped them sleep!_

_But… I… am I a monster? Did all those people… see me as a monster!?_

NO_...I'm not a monster! I… I saved them… I saved them from abuse! From suffering!_

_I… I… am I… a mad dog? Yes… I'm a monster… that needed to be put down… that boy…_

_That… clever… clever boy…_

_He… stopped… me…_

_Such… a… clever… clever… little…_

-Luna-

Luna sat on her rump with tears in her eyes, horrified and saddened beyond belief.

Jake… this human… how could such a thing happen!?

An innocent child, twisted into a monster infinitely more brutal and sadistic than Nightmare Moon and Sombra could have ever dreamed to be!

She needed to double his guard, then talk to her sister immediately! A being such as him certainly posed a great danger to their little ponies!

After she pulled herself together, that is. No point in discussing the fate of another sentient being while emotionally distraught, no matter how sadistic, cruel or downright evil he may seem.

"Captain Armour! Double the guard presence around the human's cell at once, and maintain six additional pegasi and unicorns in reserve at all times. We cannot trust this creature yet."


	3. Chapter 3

**-Luna-**

**After viewing Jake's memory of that night, Luna felt exhausted. Not physically or magically, per se, being an alicorn doth have its privileges, no? No, her exhaustion was purely mental, a mental fatigue she hadn't experience since her first venture into the dream world as Princess of the Night two thousand years ago.**

**Honestly, Luna knew she should go to Celestia at once and tell her what she just learned about their guest, but she simply couldn't muster the will to fight her fatigue, let alone relive his memories.**

**Prior to her possession by the Nightmare and her subsequent banishment to the moon, Luna was the closest thing Equestria had to a warrior princess. For the protection of her little ponies and their livelihoods, Luna had seen and done things that Celestia hadn't the stomach to do.**

**Jake's memories, though? Not even in the lowest point of recorded pony history, the cold war (no pun intended) of the three pony tribes had such… atrocities been committed. That aside, she did, in fact, feel a sort of kinship with Jake, his own connection to the demented, psychotic part of his psyche, "Sandman", was alarmingly similar to her own connection to the Nightmare.**

**Perhaps this strange sense of kinship was the reason behind the Princess of the Night's desire to help the conflicted child.**

**"****_Tia will learn what I discovered tomorrow. Right now I just want to rest."_**

**No, she had no desire to pursue those memories until she had some rest. That, and Luna knew her sister wouldn't hold it against her. Besides, Jake was locked away in a cell, surrounded by guards, and he had no magic that she knew of.**

**What's the worst that could happen?**

**-Jake-**

**An hour ago a team, or is it squad? Nah, there's fourteen of them, divided into three groups of four, with the last two standing around looking bossy as fuck.**

**Textbook example of a squad if I ever saw one!**

**Anyways, a big ass group of ponies stormed down here and took up various positions around my cell. One pony, a stallion I think given the muzzle and size, wasted no time barking out orders, like he was a fucking drill sergeant or something.**

**Well, it's either a stallion or a really, REALLY butch mare.**

**Anyways, I'm no expert on military tactics, I've only read three or so books on the subject, but it looks like they're trying to establish a cordon around me and my cell. Why? I have no fucking idea, it's not like I can fucking escape!**

**After they settled into their positions, I then noticed, much to my annoyance, that just about all of them were eying me like I was a goddamn bundle of dynamite! One of the unicorns looked about half a second away from shitting hisself!**

**Now, I admit I felt the desire to commit horrific violence on my watchers, but thanks to my 'sanity' I knew that wasn't going to help my case.**

**Besides, they're safe outside of my cell anyways. How come nobody ever lets me have any fu-**

**No, no no no no NO! I am NOT that kind of person- animal- MONSTER anymore!**

**Right?**

**Who the fuck am I kidding? I'm sitting here, debating with myself on whether or not I want to brutally murder cutesy, colorful little fucking ponies! What the fuck ever, man.**

**I needed something to distract myself, so I did what I usually do when I'm alone, with no other way to entertain myself. I started ****masturbating****singing under my breath.**

**I would later look on this day as a blessing, for I had finally found a non-violent outlet for my desire to commit violence! Everyone wins, right?**

**Well, I won, anyways. That counts for something!**

**Now, I knew a lot of songs, but there was only one song for this situation. I began tapping my foot on the ground, to get myself in rhythm for what I was about to do.**

**_tap tap tap tap tap, tap tap tap tap, tap tap tap tap tap, tap tap tap tap_**

**"****What is he doing?"**

**I gave my babysitters a wide, toothy grin, which made them even more unnerved, before I started…**

**"****Is it having a seizure?"**

**...slapping my knees in rhythm to the song I started singing.**

**"****Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung…"**

**Then the strangest fucking thing happened.**

**"****Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung…"**

**The background music to the song started playing out of nowhere, and four of the fucking guards joined in!**

**"****What the buck is going on?"**

**"****How is this… thing tapping into the Music of Harmony?!"**

**Music of Harmony? Well, that answers my question of why I'm suddenly so good at singing. Also, it seems that some of my guards are women- or rather, mares! What can I say? The ladies love me! Still… the 'Music of Harmony'? What, am I in a fucking kids show or something? Let's see what I can do to de-harmonize this!**

**"****Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream…"**

**My line was immediately followed by my quartet of harmonious slaves.**

**"****Bung, bung, bung, bung..."**

**"****Make her the cutest, that I've ever seen!"**

**"****Bung, bung, bung, bung…"**

**Jeez, my harmonious slaves look pretty pissed! Can't imagine why!**

**"****Give me two knives like barbershop razors!"**

**Oh yeah, that's why! They're being forced to sing along with a fucking psycho!**

**"****Bung, bung, bung, bung…"**

**"****Then tell her that her sleepless nights are over!"**

**Oh, lawdy lawdy! Bossman looks horrified by my delightful improved lyrics! On the flipside, my harmonious slaves look like they want to put me to sleep!**

**"****Sandman, I'm so alone, don't have nobody to call my own,"**

**Who's awesome?! I'm awesome!**

**"****Give me something to make her ******scream******, Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream!"**

**I'm making some of these mares cry! Should I feel bad about this? Polls suggest… NO!**

**"****Bung, bung, bung, bung…"**

**"****Cease and desist at once, you- you monster!"**

**Oh, well since you said so, I guess I'll just- NOPE!**

**"****Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream! Make her the cutest, that I've ever seen!"**

**Oh, if looks could kill, bossman here would be facing an ****Article 118!**

**"****Give her the word that I'm just a killer, then send her home with me, her sleepless nights are over!"**

**Gotta say, though, my harmonious slaves are doing ****_quite_****a job with singing along! Maybe we could get a gig, traveling across… wherever the fuck I am in a little caravan wagon that doubles as a stage!**

**"****Mr.****Sandman, I'm so alone, don't have nobody to call my own!"**

**I'm sure we'd be neck-deep in pussy in no time!**

**"****Give me something to make her ******scream******, Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream!"**

**Or, rather, horse pussy? ...Never mind.**

**"****Bung, bung, bung, bung…"**

**"****Mr. Sandman?"**

**"****Yes?"**

**And now the boss-man, err boss-stallion just got involved! This keeps getting better and better!**

**"****Give me a dream! Give her a pair of eyes with a nice panicked gleam!"**

**Cue the harmonious slaves!**

**"****Give her a lonely heart like Pagliacci, and lots of wavy hair like Liberace!"**

**Sweet jesus, I can almost ****_taste_****the hatred coming off of Boss-stallion!**

**"****Mr Sandman, give me someone to hold, would be so peachy before we're too old!"**

**Of course, his hatred pales in comparison to that of my harmonious slaves!**

**"****So give me something to make her ******scream******!"**

**"****Mr Sandman, bring us, please, please, please!"**

**Time for the big finish!**

**"****Mr Sandman, bring us... a… Dream!"**

**"****Bung, bung, bung, bung."**

**And that's how ya do it, folks! If I'm not put to sleep tonight or executed tomorrow, I'm never ******EVER******fucking forgetting this!**

**-Celestia-**

**During the weekdays, Celestia opened the throne room of her castle for Solar court, giving her a solid eight hours to hear the petitions, requests, complaints and concerns of her little ponies. Truly, it was an excellent idea, but it had one major flaw.**

**Nobles.**

**Many of her so-called "commoner" ponies were intimidated by the presence of the usually holier-than-thou-art, haughty, "noble" ponies, so to see a pony with a constructive or helpful petition was a rare thing. Too rare, if you asked her, though nopony even bothered to do that anymore.**

**So, Celestia sat upon her throne, listening to Blueblood petitioning her for… something. In truth, his whining (and it no matter how Celestia spun it to Luna, it was whining) went in one ear and out the other. Honestly, what ****_was_****the pompous, self-obsessed twat****he going on about?**

**Something about… expanding his mansion?**

**For the tenth time this month? Wait, wait, wait. It was only the eighth, and the month started on a Saturday, so how…**

**"****_I'm too motherbucking old to deal with this!"_**

**And to that end, Celestia's thoughts were revolving around her sister, rather than her pompous, spoiled nephew. Normally, when Celestia asked Luna to suss out the truth, she always reported her findings as quickly as possible. It was a tried and true system that had averted many a potential disaster, and kept Celestia from making bad, ill-informed decisions in the past.**

**Sadly enough, most of said decisions and disasters were caused by silver-tongued nobles ruled by their greed and lust for power over the "lesser" ponies.**

**Of course, the nobles of this age are barely any better, despite Celestia's best efforts to the contrary.**

**Sure, they've gotten a little clever, learned how to be subtle, but for the most part, they're still pompous, stuck-up morons.**

**"****_I hope Lulu is alright."_****Celestia worried, ****"****_Did she see something that distressed her? Or is it just mental fatigue? I could be either I suppose. Viewing memories and dreams is one of her inherent talents, but I would imagine that monitoring the dreams of a previously unknown creature is a mentally taxing process."_**

**All the while Blueblood prattled on, either ignorant of Celestia not paying him any attention, or thinking he could somehow use her inattention to his advantage.**

**"****_Yeah, that's not gonna happen."_****Celestia almost snorted contemptuously at her nephew as he tried his hardest to sell her on… something. What was it again? Oh yeah, his mansion. Try as he might, Blueblood has, at best, a decade experience with the ****useless, whiny****darker side of Equestrian politics.**

**Celestia? Nearly two millennia. 1,793 years, to be exact, of experience in dealing with conniving nobles.**

**What really irked her about Blueblood, though, was the disgrace he brought upon his ancestors. From the beginning of her and Luna's rule over Equestria, the Blue house was one of the rare noble families that actually cared for the "lesser" ponies, up until a century ago, that is.**

**Suppressing a yawn, Celestia lazily waved a hoof in her nephew's direction. **

**"****I'm sorry Blueblood, but I simply cannot allow you to expand your mansion, as doing so would force eleven families out of their own homes, and into the streets. Your mansion is already large enough as it is, nephew." Celestia said in her patented motherly tone.**

**"****But auntie!" Blueblood whined "It's just some filthy commoners! I am a prin-"**

**"****_Oh, for bucks sake!"_**

**"******That is enough, Blueblood! I will not force ponies out on the street to satisfy your ego and incessant need to flaunt your wealth and position! If it was not for the good your ancestors have done for Equestria, ********you********would be one of those so-called 'filthy commoners'!"******Celestia roared in the Royal Canterlot voice, or RCV for short.**

**Needless to say, the sight of the normally even-tempered Solar Diarch in a state of fury was more than enough to make Blueblood scamper out of the throne-room with his tail tucked firmly between his legs, and his ears pinned against his head. Celestia slumped down in a very un-princess-like fashion and closed her eyes. She hated yelling at her little ponies but Blueblood just…**

**Ugh.**

**"****We still do not understand why you put up with that foal, dear sister."**

**Celestia opened her eyes at the sound of Luna's voice and frowned. The Lunar Diarch looked like she'd just got back from the Tartarus Spa and Resort; her eyes were bloodshot and drooping, her mane was in disarray, and her coat looked rough. Could it be a result of what she saw in Jake's mind?**

**"****Lulu! You look horrible!" Celestia exclaimed.**

**Rising from her throne, Celestia quickly pulled her exhausted sister into a wing-hug. Said hug served to not only offer comfort, but to keep Luna on her hooves. The poor mare looked like she was mere seconds away from falling over, dead asleep!**

**"****We- I had trouble resting, is all." Luna replied, trying to shrug off her disheveled state "But sister, I have some… rather alarming things to tell you about our guest!"**

**Celestia silently nodded for Luna to continue, knowing that this information would very likely change her mind regarding Jake, for better or worse.**

**-Jake-**

**I think my conscience is getting to me, 'cause after I tormented those guards with my song and making them sing along I decided to leave them alone.**

**But fuck their boss, asshole's been glaring murder and mutilation at me since he got pulled into it.**

**Don't hate on me! Hate on that "Music of Harmony" bullshit, goddamn it! Stupid fucking ponies and your stupid fucking magic shit!**

**But other than the occasional one-finger salute sent their way, I tried to keep to myself. Mostly because the boss cast a spell or something that nullified the "Music of Harmony" around my cell or some shit like that. I mean, fucking magic, right? Really, I did feel bad for taking them on a trip through my mind, but...**

**Boredom won out in the end. That, and I really don't like the way that bossman is glaring at me. I mean, I'm probably fucking boned anyways, right? What have I got to lose?**

**"****Hey, you! Yeah you! Bossy, butch lookin' motherfucker! C'mere, I wanna tell you something!"**

**He snorted angrily and stalked over to my cell.**

**_Hook._**

**"****What do you want, beast?"**

**I adopted a stereo inbred hick accent as I motioned for him to come in closer.**

**"****What's yer name, sweetheart?"**

**"****My name is of no concern to you! All you need to know is that I am in charge of keeping you locked up, beast!"**

**Ooh, he's angry!**

**_Line._**

**"****C'mere, would ya? Just a little closer?"**

**As soon as he stepped within my arm's reach, I cupped his chin, rubbed his cheek with my thumb, and gave him the most lecherous smile I could muster, considering I was aiming it at a dude.**

**"****I think yew got a purrty mouth, butchy!"**

**_...And motherfucking_****sinker!**

**And his eyes just turned red. Golly gee, he's mad at me!**

**Fortunately for me, and unfortunately for Butch, a certain white wingycorn stepped in before things could get violent. Honestly, that kinda disappointed me, a good fight is just the thing I need to get the blood pumping!**

**Besides, that whole "by the books" feel to Butchy just pisses me off something fierce! Laws were made to be broken! Rules were created to be ignored! Governments were established to be overthrown! Anarchy! ANARCHY!**

**Or something like that.**

**"****Captain Armor, you and your squad are relieved of your duty. I wish to speak with our guest in private."**

**That's more like it! Butchy looked like he really wanted to disobey that order, but in the end, he caved like a little bitch. Oh, if I only had my kit I'd make him motherfucking ****_squeal_****like a white little piggi-**

**Godammit! Why am I thinking these things?! What the fuck happened to being a rabid dog that needed to be put down?! Fuckin' whatever, I guess I'll be finding out about that soon!**

**Nonetheless, I put on a smug smile as Butchy and his ****cunts****stooges filed out, but it disappeared the second I turned my attention to Celestia.**

**Honestly I've never had a mother (foster or otherwise) give me a disappointed look. Don't get me wrong, it's not from a lack of stupid, defiant things done on my part. No, it's mainly because all of my foster mothers were trying to "beat some discipline" into me. Well, when their husbands weren't venting their frustrations over their failings in life on me, that is.**

**But... I imagine this is what it would feel like to disappoint one's mother. Despite that I find it oddly... soothing?**

**Eh, I'll think over it later. ****_If_****there is a 'later', that is...**

**"****So… what's up Celestia?" I ask nervously.**

**Celestia shook her head and snorted slightly, which made me smirk. I think she secretly found what I did amusing herself, but can't let it show!**

**"****Must you provoke Captain Armor so?" Celestia asked, her tone caught between amusement and exasperation.**

**"****Yes, yes I must." I said in a mock noble tone, "I find having someone stare at me with murder and mutilation in their eyes to be most off-putting."**

**"****Oh?"**

**"****Besides… it's not my fault the 'Music of Harmony' pulled them into my personal rendition of 'Mr. Sandman'." I added dropping the mock noble tone.**

**"****I take it that wasn't the original song, then?" Celestia asked, a curious look on her face.**

**"****Fuck no! Humans can be pretty fucked up but I'm pretty sure no one would make a song that twisted." I said, scratching my chin. "Well, except for me, that is."**

**Celestia hmm's as she looks me over. Honestly, it felt like she was staring past the flesh, and into my blackened, shriveled soul. Not the prettiest thing to look at, really.**

**After what felt like hours of uncomfortable silence and watching, Celestia gave me an almost imperceptible nod, apparently having decided on something. What that is exactly, I haven't a fucking clue.**

**But... judging by that gleam in her eye, it promises to be highly amusing to her and torturous to me.**

**Probably. I dunno. I guess I'll be finding out if the wingycorn is a fucking sadist behind locked doors!**

**"****After a lengthy discussion with my sister, we have decided that you can be redeemed." Celestia paused and gave me a searching look, "But, I have some rules and conditions you will need to accept before we can begin your reformation." Celestia said.**

**Seriously. I don't like that look in her eyes. **

**"****Welcome to my parlor, said the spider to the fly, eh?" Celestia gave me a wry grin and a slow nod.**

**I can't help but to think that quote was made just for this situation.**

**"****First and foremost, if they are willing, I will be putting you under the supervision of Twilight Sparkle and her friends. I believe that they are the most likely group to aid you in your reformation."**

**Twilight… Sparkle? Kill me. Please!**

**"****Second, you will not attempt to own, or even come in contact with any form of weaponry. This does not pertain to tools that can be used as weapons, such as an axe, sledge hammer, or any other tool you are required to use in any line of work you pursue. You are not, however, allowed to own anything that could be used as a weapon."**

**Well, damn, there goes my plans! I was totally gonna go to Ammunation, buy a chaingun and start killing hookers, gang-bangers and pedestrians. Wait, does Candyland even have hookers? Or gangs? More importantly, why the fuck do I care?!**

**"****Third, you ****_will_****find some form of employment. While I am willing to give you a second chance amongst my subjects, I will not have you, or anyone else, living off of charity. I have worked long and hard to instill a hard work ethic in my little ponies, and I have no intentions to let those efforts go to waste."**

**That kinda goes without saying, Celestia. Besides, I'm not really all that lazy.**

**Well, except for Sundays. Otherwise I'm busy, busy, busy!**

**It's hard work stalking my victims, maintaining my kit, choosing the most exquisite tortures-**

**GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!**

**"****And last, but not least, you will not taunt, goad, or otherwise provoke any of my little ponies into attacking you. If you are attacked without provocation, you will not seriously harm any of my subjects in defending yourself, and you will not cripple or otherwise maim them, or you will have me to answer to. I will make allowances for coming to the defense of others, but my rules still stand."**

**So, I guess that means no more trolling, then. Damn.**

**"****To that point, if I find that you have unjustly harmed- let alone killed any of my subjects, especially the six I hope to send you with, I promise that you will receive what you did to them, tenfold. Do I make myself clear?"**

**Scary lady- mare! Mental note; Do NOT fuck up!**

**"****Uh, y-yeah! Sure!"**

**"****This is the first day of your new life, Jake. Equestria was founded on the values of generosity, forgiveness and friendship, and I suggest you make the most of it. I will tell you what I told Twilight not too long ago; try to make some friends."**

**That's going to be kinda hard. Y'know, what with me being a unstable, paranoid psychopath.**

**"****With that out of the way, welcome to the first day of your reformation!" Celestia said cheerfully.**

**For some reason, I feel terrified.**

**-Celestia-**

**Two hours of questions, answers and explanations later, Celestia left the dungeon in a rather light-hearted mood. To her surprise, Jake didn't seem at all troubled by the rules and conditions laid before him. He was surprised he was even given the chance to begin with!**

**Celestia considered the fact that Jake realizes and regrets how much of a monster he was, and to a certain extent, still is, to be a good sign, though.**

**"****Permission to speak freely, Your Majesty?"**

**Captain Shining Armor, on the other hoof, didn't. To be fair, Celestia couldn't bring herself to be surprised. Especially when she knew Armor was eavesdropping.**

**"****Granted."**

**Not that the conversation was private, but still, it is rather rude.**

**"****What the buck are you thinking, allowing that beast to roam free, let alone with my little sister!?" Shining Armor shouted, slamming an armoured hoof into the stone floor. "So help me, if he hurts my Twily-"**

**Celestia didn't turn to face him, but the sharpness of her tone carried all the warning that Shining Armour needed.**

**"****Hold your tongue, Captain."**

**Shining Armour complied, but stood his ground nonetheless. He wasn't there to protect his little sister during Discord's coup, but damned if he was going to let another psycho have the chance to hurt his baby sister!**

**"****Captain Armor, I acknowledge and understand your concerns. However, if there's any pony that can help him recover, it is Twilight and her friends." Celestia said patiently, "Do you have so little faith in your sister?"**

**That brought Shining Armor up short. In truth, he had all the confidence in the world in Twilight, but it was 'Jake' that Shining Armor didn't trust.**

**The fact that the beast made him and his fellow guards take part in that horrifying song didn't have anything to do with it.**

**Or the fact that the beast told him he had a pretty mouth, either.**

**Honest!**

**Celestia glanced at Shining Armor and gave him a comforting smile, something that always managed to make the stallion relax.**

**"****I know you do not trust Jake, nor do you have much reason to do so in the first place. However, I ask that you have faith in Twilight and her friends. I know that they will be instrumental in helping Jake recover what he lost." Celestia said softly.**

**"****And what is that, princess?" Shining asked curiously.**

**"****His humanity." Celestia said solemnly**

**"****Your majesty, I'm afraid I don't understand." Shining asked.**

**"****Jake wasn't born a monster, Captain, he was made into one. His life has been naught but tragedy and horror. That abuse and trauma drove him to commit the atrocities he has both confessed, and shown remorse over."**

**"****But-"**

**"****There's nothing like suffering at the hooves of another to bring out one's own mean streak." Celestia said simply.**

**Shining Armor fell silent in response. If the princess saw something in 'Jake' then so be it. Her word was his command, and that was good enough for him.**

**But that still didn't mean he had to like the beast though, or the fact that it would be staying with his baby sister.**

**-Jake-**

**I closed my eyes as I laid in my cot, so generously enlarged by Celestia due to my size, processing the information Celestia dumped on me, and the terms of my 'reformation'.**

**Regarding the information? It certainly was enlightening. While Equestria, isn't like like...latin for… "Land of Horses" or something? Anyways while Equestria was not the utopia I had initially assumed it to be, the amounts and kinds of violence and hate I knew on Earth, were unheard of here. Child abuse; both sexual and physical, was nearly non-existent, something I can honestly say I am thankful for.**

**But that doesn't mean it never happens.**

**Celestia mentioned one recent case involving a pegasus filly named Scootaloo, who had been effectively crippled by her drunkard of a father. To think of the fact that the filly may never be able to soar or even fly like healthy pegasi, makes my blood ******boil******.**

**I may be a torturer.**

**A rapist.**

**A cold-blooded killer.**

**But I never.**

****EVER.****

**Hurt children like that!**

**Even when I thought I was saving them from the pain and misery of the world, I was as quick and painless as I could be about it.**

**I think Celestia saw the sudden surge of killing intent, so she informed me that Scootaloo's father, ironically named Dead Beat, was sentenced to life in Purgatory, a maximum security prison in the middle of the Appleloosan desert, very likely being passed around the cell block by his fellow inmates.**

**Heh… decided the inmates needed a new cocksleeve, did you?**

**How delectably cruel of you, Celestia!**

**But, then again, abusers get what's ****_coming_****to them in the end.**

**Get it, get it? Heh, I made a funny!**

**Anyways, the most important thing she told me was that I couldn't own any weapons, and I could only handle sharp objects if my job required it. Yeah, okay, like that's gonna stop me from getting my sharps, should I feel the need.**

**And of course, I would have a 'keeper' that would double as my one of my 'reformers', a bookish, nerdy little unicorn mare named Twilight Sparkle.**

**Heh… that fucking name!**

**I'd also be living with her in a rural town called Ponyville, no more than twenty miles away from Canterlot, well within range of Celestia.**

**Although, I doubt she would even need to come after me. Hell, she supposedly moves the fucking sun, right? She could probably just pull some Gears shit and drop the fucking hammer on me, from the comfort of her throne room!**

**And while I'm at it, what the fuck is up with all these goddamn horse puns!? Seriously! ******Pony******ville? ******Canter******lot? ******Filly******delphia? Oh, and my favorite one, De******trot******. Fuck me, right? I wonder if Detrot is as much of a shithole as Detroit is?**

**Of course, the most pressing matter on my mind is whether or not Celestia would inform this Twilight of EVERYTHING she's learned about me.**

**No doubt the mare would be too terrified to be around me, let alone have me live with her, if they did so. But if they don't inform her of what she's gonna be taking home, how the fuck is she gonna 'reform' me?**

**Whatever. I should get some sleep, I'm meeting this Twilight Sparkle and her friends tomorrow.**

**And I have a feeling I'll need all the rest I can get!**

**Look, God, I know I'm not your favorite person but… can you please cut me a little slack?**

**Probably not, but a guy can dream, right?**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Friendship for a Killer

-Twilight-

Nervously (and uselessly) digging at the marble floor with a hoof doesn't really accomplish anything, but it keeps me from worrying too much over why Princess Celestia summoned me and my friends back to the castle on such short notice.

Surely it couldn't be another ancient evil or imminent apocalyptic disaster, right? It's almost Hearth's Warming, for buck's sake! The Maker isn't that cruel, is he?

Or perhaps this has something to do with that recent disturbance in the Aether? Oh, there's really no point in worrying. I'm confident that Princess Celestia will brief us on the situation when she arrives. Hay, maybe the princesses have some presents for us, and they just wanted to make sure we received them before we made it back to Ponyville!

With that in mind, I glanced over at my friends, each of which was relaxing in their own different ways.

Rarity and Fluttershy were daintily resting on Rarity's fainting couch, quietly exchanging small talk and gossip. Someday I'm gonna have to find out how Rarity managed to create and anchor to herself a pocket dimension large enough to store a couch.

Not that I'm saying she's an unskilled magic user, no. Her telekinesis is well above average for a unicorn of her age, and her control rivals mine, but beyond that, she's slightly above just about any other unicorn when it comes to raw power.

Next up was Pinkie… being Pinkie. Enough said, heheh.

Of course, Rainbow Dash was trying to get a reaction from one of the Day Guards stationed by the doors, and failing horribly, much to my amusement. You'd think Rainbow would've learned her lesson the last time she tried!

Applejack simply flopped to the ground on her belly, pulled her stetson over her eyes, and started relaxing. Or napping, I don't know.

As for myself? Well, I would be relaxing as well, but I'm too bucking anxious to- No, there's nothing to worry about! Besides, this is nothing that a good book can't solve! I'm not much for horror, but I just cannot read enough of H.P. Lovecolt's works! Something about the Great Old Ones and the world he's created around them is horrifyingly fascinating!

Or, as Pinkie would say, 'horrornating'! Believe it or not, Pinkie is actually the pony who got me started on Lovecolt! If you can look past her love of partying and her Pinkie-ness, you'll find that Pinkie is probably just as intelligent as I am! Ever seen her party cannon? Her gyrocopter? Her 'Welcome to Ponyville' wagon?

Somepony had to come up with, design and build those things, and although Pinkie won't openly admit to it, I'd be willing to bet my horn that she did! She takes a bit of getting used to, but once you get to know her, it's as plain as Celestia's sun that she's a savant when it comes to baking, parties, and generally making ponies feel good!

But that's enough about my friends! I've got a book to re-

The doors swung open behind us, and in marched Princess Celestia and Luna, followed by a squad of soldiers escorting a… clothed, hairless ape? No, this creature was far too tall, and stood much too straight to be an ape or any sort of primate, but it definitely has some sort of connection to said animals.

The creature wore a white hooded sweatshirt with six small holes punched into the chest, a pair of denim pants, and a pair of brown boots on his feet, crafted from what looked like... leather? Ew! That's all kinds of gross, not to mention creepy! Hopefully those boots were made in the Griffin Aeries, and not from an Equestrian cow!

"Excuse my curiosity, Your Highness, but... what is that thing?" Leave it to good ol' Applejack to ask what's on everypony's mind!

"Funny, I was just thinking the same about you." Well, it can talk, as I expected, but judging by it's facial expression and body language, it would appear to easily irritable, and rude to boot! It also appears to be a male, if the deep voice and short facial hair is anything to go by.

Of course, that's **never** stopped Pinkie. "Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie! What's your name? Are you coming back to Ponyville with us? Are you gonna be our new friend? Oh, I can't wait to throw you a 'welcometoponyvilleihopeyouenjoyyourstayand-"

In true Pinkie fashion, she got right up in the creatures face, heedless of any possible danger, and started to belt the poor creature with question after question. The questions were almost unintelligible due to the excited, rapid-fire rate of speech Pinkie employs when she meets a new pony. The look on it- or rather, his, face mirrored that of almost everypony on their first encounter of the Pink kind.

"_What the buck indeed!"_

-Jake-

Honestly, all these guards are unnecessary. Do they really think I could harm Celestia or Luna, even if I wanted to? I mean, sure, I could probably cut Celestia's or Luna's throat before the other got to me, but I don't even have a knife! They claim to be powerful, ageless alicorns that raise the fucking sun and moon, so even if I did manage to strike one down, well, it'd be suicide.

But that doesn't seem to matter to these golden-clad fucktards. And that's another thing! Who the fuck makes armour out of motherfucking GOLD! It's heavy as fuck, and certainly won't stop a sword or arrow! I mean, seriously! Who-

Aw, hell. I've done come to the realization that most of these ponies are either mentally deficient, or just plain motherfuckin' stupid!

Personally, I believe Celestia thinks the same, but just deals with it. After all, the "benevolent and kind" Celestia couldn't possibly think such things about her little ponies, right?

Yeah, that's a good one. Besides, benevolence doesn't always translate to good intentions and kindness can be worse than hate!

Ever heard of "Kill' em with Kindness"?

Yep, I'm just a cynical motherfucker, aren't I?

I probably should've been paying more attention, but, well, fuck it. For all I know, this little gathering will be for fuck all, and it'll be one million years dungeon for me!

Celestia will share my past, these little pussy ponies will be horrified, terrified and disgusted at me, and send me to the gallows!

Hell, reformation is a pretty word. But, like all good things, it's easier said than done.

So, I was just standing around and looking pretty when suddenly, this eldritch abomination of hyperactivity and eye-blistering pink suddenly rushed up and started jabbering at me like a fuckin' chipmunk on meth!

My first thought was to snap the mare's neck. Hell, I've done it dozens of times before, and could probably do it in my sleep! But, I managed to reign in that murderous little impulse, and simply shoved the pink one off me.

Of course, the purple one started giggling at me. Why? Well, the other four are arguing, apparently leaving her with nothing else to do but watch me, and the stupid, surprised look I probably had on my face. She looked away, of course, as soon as I sent a withering glare her way.

Honestly, though, I'd find it amusing myself if our positions were switched.

But I don't think I'd make a good pony.

Or mare, for that matter.

-Celestia-

Celestia wore a proud smile as she watched her little ponies reactions to Jake. Of course, before they even got close to the throne room, she had cast a one-way telepathic link upon him. While she usually considered such magic to be a horrible invasion of privacy, she was taking no chances, especially not with the six Bearers of Harmony.

So, she read his every thought, as soon as they entered his mind. His thoughts regarding her overprotective and somewhat naive ponies were particularly amusing and flattering, really.

It does a mare wonders when a young colt realises that the mare doesn't need any protection! Now, if only her little ponies would realize that...

Her smile took on a bit of relief and amusement when Jake restrained his initial violent response to Pinkie Pie's over enthusiastic introduction, opting instead to simply push the mare away.

Also, he had the most amusing expression on his face.

"Good evening, my little ponies!" Celestia said with a smile, "I'd like to introduce to you our guest Jake."

Jake grunted in acknowledgement, but otherwise remained silent, and judging by his thoughts was making his own, rather cynical observations. His cynical views of benevolence and kindness especially disturbed Celestia, not because of the cynicism, per se, but because he's correct.

Those who shine brightest cast the darkest shadows.

Even Celestia, Herald of the Sun and "Goddess" of Light and Purity.

Oh, especially Celestia. If only her little ponies knew what sort of escapades she got into when she was naught but a century old!

Celestia idly wondered if those colts from way back in the day ever recovered from her first heat cycle? While alicorns have stamina in spades, normal ponies… not so much.

But by The Maker did she rock their worlds! As a matter of fa-

"_Now is not the time for that, Tia. You may reminisce about past conquests after we have given Jake to his handlers."_

"_Lulu? What are you- Nevermind."_

Of course. The mind _is_ Luna's domain, after all. Celestia should have expected Luna to "butt in", as it were, on her telepathic link.

"_Please tell me that the link is still one-way, between ourselves and Jake?"_

"_Doth thou doubt our abilities, dear sister? Perhaps Jake would enjoy the memories of your past conquests?"_

"_Lulu, I love you, but if you do that, you _will _be joining Discord in the gardens._

A light giggle was all the response she received, and all the response she was likely to get from Luna. But she could deal with her Maker-damned adorable sister later.

"I apologize for Jake's apparent rudeness, he's very new to ponies. And I suspect, naturally defensive and suspicious of everypony." Celestia added softly.

She and Luna observed their little ponies as _they_ observed Jake. Applejack and Rainbow Dash glared at him with suspicion, while Jake merely stared back blankly. His thoughts, however, gave him away. Thoughts of cruel, sadistic violence immediately formed in his head, but were quickly suppressed, something that made Celestia both proud and worried.

Proud of Jake for how quickly and easily he suppressed those thoughts, a sure sign that he truly did want to change.

And worry, because of how prone Jake was to those thoughts.

"I've called all of you to this meeting to ask a favor." Celestia started, "Jake was… grievously mistreated at the hands of those that were meant to care for him, starting at a very young age. This mistreatment twisted him into a monster comparable to the Nightmare. He has just recently regained control over his actions, but will need help to continue doing so."

Celestia carefully watched her little ponies as they reacted to the news of his abuse, and of what he was.

Fluttershy, ever the caregiver, saw only a young colt that has been horribly mistreated and twisted into a thing that shouldn't have been. The only thing to be found in her eyes was sorrow and concern for Jake, much as Celestia expected.

Pinkie, who always strived to see the good in everypony, ran a gamut of different feelings. Concern, shock, and pity, all aimed towards Jake as well as her friends. Her mane and tail sagged a bit, and her colours seemed to grow a bit dimmer.

As Pinkie Pie is wont to do when she is in distress.

Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity, however, had the same expressions. Shock, disgust and concern, as expected, but Applejack and Rainbow Dash had a bit more hostility and mistrust in their eyes than Rarity.

Hostility that, in all honesty, wasn't entirely unfounded.

Hostility that Jake had no trouble returning, his eyes instantly turning cold and hard. Celestia had seen that look just a few times, most recently on the cruel visage of the rebel King Sombra, just before he cursed the Crystal Empire twelve-hundred years ago.

But it was her dear student's expression gladdened her heart. Her face held disgust, concern, and pity for the things this young colt had both endured and done without truly realizing it. There was no doubt in her mind that Twilight immediately realized that "mistreated" was a rather severe understatement.

Celestia didn't like withholding information from the rest of the girls, but it was a necessary evil. The vast majority of her little ponies are fickle, easily frightened things, largely unfamiliar with the darker side of themselves. The six ponies standing before her were no exception, and at best, would suffer from terrible nightmares should they find out just how badly he was abused, let alone what atrocities he committed in his fits of psychotic rage.

"Not to question your reasonin' princess, but uh… how're we supposed ta help this critter?" Applejack cautiously asked, having recovered from her brief 'meeting' with the Sandman that dwelt within Jake's subconscious.

"By helping him, fair Applejack. Show him that not everypony is needlessly cruel, and not everypony is going to heap unnecessary hate onto him. By teaching him kindness, generosity, how to laugh again, and how to live, he will be able to heal." Celestia paused, then continued with just as much passion, "Should the six of you be willing to take on this responsibility, I will be sending him to Ponyville with you, so that you may help him heal, and recover his humanity."

As expected, Twilight spoke up with the questions the rest of her friends still had. "What would those duties entail, princess? Where would he live?"

Also as expected, Twilight didn't give her request a second thought. Celestia smiled gently at her protege before she continued. "Twilight, if you will, I would appreciate it if you would give him room and board at the Golden Oaks. As for your other question, your 'duties' would simply be to help him heal and integrate into pony society, as I said. Please, treat him like you would anypony else in need of guidance."

Twilight smiled back at her mentor, but Luna cut her off before she could respond. Not out of rudeness, per se, but because Luna knew what Twilight was about to say.

"Do this not for me or my sister, but for Jake."

Everypony, even Jake, looked at the Lunar Diarch with respect. Or cautious optimism, in Jake's case. Jake's thoughts indicated that he simply couldn't understand why either princess had such confidence in his reformation. Why indeed?

Easy. Both Celestia and Luna knew that deep within him, there was a fierce light, just waiting for its chance to shine. And shine it would, if Jake was allowed to heal.

-Jake-

This is going a lot better than I thought it would, for now at least. Just give the information time to sink in though, then they'll be fucking terrified, and it'll be the gallows for me! I'm more a fan of the guillotine, but hey, whatever floats your boat, right?

Still though, that confidence Celestia has about these mares helping me find my 'humanity' or whatever is rather… pleasing? Flattering maybe? I dunno, it's something, I'll say that much!

I couldn't help but chuckle at the impassioned little speech Celestia gave about teaching me "generosity" and "kindness". It's rather nice to know that some don't just see a heartless monster.

Even if it's a white wingycorn that supposedly controls the fuckin' sun!

Skittles and the normal one seem they _might_ be able to give me some trouble, but if worst comes to worst, I think I could handle them. I don't wanna kill 'em though, because Celestia looks like she can be pretty fuckin' terrifying when she wants.

Hell, if I killed any of her subjects, she'd probably send me to the surface of the fucking sun!

Talk about a sunburn! Eeey! No? No.

It is odd though, watching as the six mares practically beamed at Celestia's words. Is her praise really that special to them? Or is it because she's trusting them with my reformation? Either way, it'll be interesting to see how this all plays out.

-Twilight-

After Celestia's rather passionate speech, she and Luna left with the guards, sans a brooding, watchful Shining Armor, promising to return in half an hour, and that Jake wouldn't be leaving with us until after Hearth's Warming eve, should we take him on. The girls huddled together to discuss our new 'charge', while Jake slumped down in a corner with his hood up, dug a set of earbuds out of his pocket, and started fiddling with a device akin to a very thin Trot-pone.

I watched Jake for a moment, his head obscured by his hood, bobbing to the music only he could hear.

"I don't trust him!" Rainbow's rough voice pulled my attention away from Jake.

"Of course you don't trust him! Did you listen to the princess? He wasn't born a monster! How can we not help him?" Wait, she-

Nevermind, that's just Pinkie being Pinkie! After the lesson we all learned from the "Zecora incident", I expected her to be on my side, though.

The girls were split into three factions, regarding Jake. Obviously, Pinkie and Fluttershy wanted to help Jake, Rainbow and AJ didn't trust him and didn't want to bother, and Rarity was split between the two, "straddling the fence" as it were. She clearly agreed with both sides, but couldn't bring herself to commit to either.

"_Looks like I'm going to be the tie breaker. Again."_

Shaking my head I approached our relaxing charge, I decided to let them talk it out on their own. When the situation demands it, I'm usually the "leader" of our little group, but they are capable of coming to an agreement without my intervention. Besides, I wanted to learn more about Jake.

"Can I help you?" Jake's voice jerked me out of my musing with a surprised yelp.

His voice is rough, almost like he wasn't use to talking much, and deep, like Big Macintosh deep. I can easily understand how intimidating Jake can be from his voice alone!

He cleared his throat, and I realized I had zoned out as I was staring right at him.

"S-sorry!" I squeaked out, blushing at being caught, lost in my thoughts, as I quickly gathered my wits. I didn't dare wonder what Jake was thinking, for fear of finding something that no amount of books or spiked cider could erase! Sure, I could if I wanted, telepathy is something I learned long ago, but I prefer not to employ it. Why?

Well, for one, I find it a horrible breach in privacy, and sometimes, you just don't WANT to know what others think!

For example, I didn't need to know that Rainbow Dash fantasizes about being put through her paces via a savage and passionate gang-rutting!

Nor did I care to know that she fantasizes about myself dominating her with a faux-stallionhood!

Yes, there are "futa" spells crafted by especially pervy unicorns from the East, but I don't know any of them!

Honest!

"Uh, w-well yes." I stammered, "I-I was just wondering if I could get to know you better. I've never met anypo- er, um, any**one** such as yourself."

Jake kept a wary eye on me as he put his strange looking Trot-pone away. His eyes were a little intimidating, of course, but that didn't stop me from getting a good look at him!

His face was pretty flat in comparison to a ponies, with a small nose. His skin was pale, almost white, possibly from little exposure to the sun. I also couldn't help but catch the lingering smell of blood, old and new, along with the masculine smell of musk.

While the scent of blood bothered me immensely, I couldn't help but think it fitting.

It didn't hurt that he was wearing a bloodsoaked hoodie...

"So… questions?" Jake asked, almost... teasingly?

"Oh, I uh…" I stumbled about blushing, "W-what are those little holes in your sweatshirt?"

Jake looked down at the holes and chuckled darkly. While it was a bit intimidating, like this eyes, I couldn't help but to find it... enjoyable. I liked the way he chuckled, it almost had a... feral edge to it? I'll have to study that further!

"These were my… going away presents from a clever, brave little boy." Jake said in a shockingly soft tone, "He saved himself and his sisters from me- from a fucking monster, and set me free in the process."

My ears fell against my head at that admission. It's one thing to hear it from Princess Celestia, but to hear it come from the creature's mouth really just pushed it home. He really was a monster.

But.. what does he mean "freed me in the process"? I wanted to ask, I really did, but I had a feeling that it was too soon, that those memories would be far too raw and fresh to dig into.

Believe it or not, I DO, in fact, possess tact.

"I don't even know why I'm talking anyways." Jake suddenly said, "I'm not a very sociable guy. I guess... maybe I trust you? You're going to 'reform' me, right? Help me get better? Hell, I'm in motherfucking _Candyland_, for fucks sake! That's a good enough reason to give you the benefit of the doubt, I guess. I don't fucking know..." Jake shrugged.

I tilted my head, finally getting a read on Jake's personality, if only a bit. Extremely cynical, possibly even depressed in some fashion, and with a deep seated sense of mistrust and paranoia towards strangers. He sure does swear a lot, though!

But... was his life really that harsh, that he cannot bring himself to trust anyone? Then again, even judging from what little Celestia talked about, yes, of course he'd have trust issues and paranoia!

"So, what do you think?" Jake suddenly asked, gesturing towards the bickering girls, "You think this whole 'reformation' thing is going to fly? I mean… Skittles and... the normal-ish looking one, looks like they really don't like me."

"Skittles"? For some reason, that word just screams "Rainbow Dash"! And if "Skittles" is Rainbow, then I guess the "normal-ish looking one" is AJ, probably couldn't think of anything else to call her. I wonder why he chose to call her "normal" looking, though? Is it because she has no wings or a horn?

"I hope that those aren't tribalist slurs, Jake." I frowned, and fixed him with my patented stern librarian glare.

"What the fuck are you talking about? 'Tribalist'? I ain't no fucking racist, if that's what you're asking! Now, you got any _real_ questions, or are you gonna sit here and accuse me of stupid shit? 'Cuz if you are, then I suggest you fuck off before I get angry!"

_Very_ irritable, and downright rude! But, then again, I _did _ just accuse him of being a racist... "Oh, uh, n-no! Sorry! I just assumed-"

Jake glared and fixed me with an unsettling smirk as he dug his Trot-pone out of his pants pocket. "You ever heard what they say about assumptions? They make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'. Don't do it again."

I stamped my hoof to get Jake's attention, then gave him a nervous, apologetic smile as he directed his irritated glare at me again. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? I was wrong to make an assumption on so little information, and I truly am sorry. Can you forgive me?" His angry facial expression wavered, hardened, then completely fell apart, replaced with a cautiously amused look.

"Yeah, I guess." I smiled and let out a relieved breath I didn't even know I was holding! "Thank you! Can we start over, Jake?" He hesitated for a second, then nodded. "Don't see why not."

Excellent! I held out my hoof to him as I properly introduced myself. "Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle. Would you like to be my friend?" He cracked a half-smile, and shook my hoof. "Hello Twilight Sparkle, my name is Jake, and I'd like to be your friend."

We sat in a companionable silence for about a minute, before Jake decided to break the ice. "So... about Skittles and... the other one?"

There he goes with the nicknames again! Although, I have to admit, "Skittles" _does_ sound pretty cute. "Uh, what does 'Skittles' mean, Jake?"

Jake smirked as he pulled his Trot-pone out of his pocket, unwrapped his ear-buds and started fiddling with it again. Somehow, by tapping and swiping his fingers on the smooth surface of the device, he was making the images on the... display, I suppose, change! It was _amazing_! Finally, he tapped the device one final time and tilted it horizontally, to show me what appeared to be a picture of a small bowl, filled with colourful candies. "Skittles. Brightly coloured, chewy, fruity gifts from the gods. Reminded me of your friend."

Oh, okay! I bet Bon Bon would _love_ the recipe for those! Or just the idea, really! But that can wait for later. Right now, I have _science_ to do!

"Wowwhatisthatthinghowdidyoumakethosepicturesappearwhatkindofmagicisitisitevenmagicthatsjustsoamazingohmygoshcaniseeitplease?"

And by "_science_", I mean "babble like a fan-girl at a meet-and-greet with Sapphire Shores", of course. Ugh. Jake snorted and chuckled at me as I panted from my sudden outburst. Hey, at least I got to hear him chuckle again!

What did I say? _Science_.

"Care to run that by me again? Y'know, at normal speed? And please stop giving my iPod bedroom eyes, it's really starting to creep me out."

I blushed as I tore my eyes off of his "iPod", and blushed even harder when I saw his amused smirk. "Um, w-well, I- I wasn't giving your 'iPod' bedroom eyes! It's just- ohmygoshitssointeresting!"

Jake rolled his eyes as he tucked his iPod into the stomach pouch of his sweatshirt, leaning his head against the wall behind him. "So, as I was saying, what do you think about Skittles and the normal one?"

Looks like he doesn't feel like sharing anything about his iPod. That's fine, I know I tend to go just the tiniest bit overboard at times. "Well, in the end I think they will agree to help you. But, Dash and AJ will probably be pretty suspicious of you for a while." I'll let you slide for now, buster, but I _will_ learn all I can about your iPod, just you wait!

Jake just gave a shrug that I equated to a "buck them then" and started to look me over, his head tilted up and to the side slightly. I couldn't help but to blush as Jake looked me over. I knew he wasn't checking me out, but it... it kinda felt nice to think that he was. Okay, that seriously sounded creepy.

Still, though... I know I'm a "nerdy, bookish filly", but I'm still a mare, damn it! I just wish I'd get treated like one more often!

"You wouldn't happen to be related to that captain whatshisface would you? Y'know, kinda tall white unicorn, bossy as fuck, comes off as a REALLY butch mare?" Jake asked suddenly.

I tilted my head as I thought. The only one I know that could be mistaken for a "butch" mare has the rank of Captain is-

"Shining Armor? Yeah, he's my brother! Why?" I wasn't really offended by the "butch mare" remark. Hay, it's happened before!

Besides, even Cadence jokes with Shiny, that he looks like a mare, with how he maintains his coat and mane!

"Well then, I've got a story for you." Jake said with a playful, Pinkie-ified grin.

I knew that I was about to be either very amused or very annoyed.

-Shining Armor-

With a neutral expression on his face, Shining Armor watched as the beast, 'Jake', regaled his little sister with what he did the previous day in the dungeons. Honestly, Shining Armor didn't believe 'Jake' could be reformed, but he didn't wish to point it out to her majesty.

Now just yet, anyway.

However, it seemed that his worry was unfounded, for the time being at least, as 'Jake' and Twily were getting along rather well, their rocky start aside! Perhaps because they're both introverts at heart? Maybe. It was a sound idea, anyways.

Of course, that didn't mean that Shining Armor approved of the psychopath staying with his little sister.

After watching the two for a while, Shining Armor decided that having an overprotective big brother around would probably hinder Jake and Twily's new friendship, and quietly left the room.

The last thing Shining Armor heard was Twilight's scandalized laughter at the story.

"_You harm a hair on her head, and I will bucking kill you myself!"_

-Jake-

Honestly, I expected Twilight to be upset by what I did to Butchy!

Well, okay, she is, but she's far more amused than angry. Do ponies have stereotypes too? If they do, that'd be something worth studying, if only to see just how close to humans they are.

Twilight eventually pulled herself together to scold me, but she started giggling madly as soon as she tried to give me a proper scolding. Not that it'd really phase me. I do what I want, when I want!

Well, unless Celestia tells me not to. Hammer of Dawn, y'know? Wish I had magic like hers. Wouldn't have to feel so fucking _whipped_ then!

Fucking goddamn ponies, man!

As Twilight tried her damnedest to stop laughing and give me a proper scolding, I noticed the five other mares had stopped arguing, and were watching Twilight with mixed expressions.

The painfully pink one and yellow one looked happy at our interaction, whereas Skittles and the normal one looked on suspiciously. But the white one that just screamed "prim and proper" looked like she was torn between the two sides. Like she wanted to be happy for Twilight, and suspicious of me and my intentions. Smart cookie!

Bah! Forget them! I'd rather interact with this interesting unicorn anyways! I wonder why I feel so... comfortable around her?

Fuck it, I'll figure it out later! Besides, Twilight's pulled herself together! Let's hear it then!

-Twilight-

I have never been so… so… argh! I just don't know!

Jake made my brother look like a fool! I should be upset at the very least but I can't! It's just sooo bucking funny! "Yew got a purrty mouth!" bucking hilarious!

Oh my ribs! My tummy! Everything's so bucking sore!

I honestly didn't care if I looked like a cackling madmare! "Butchy"? "Purrty mouth"?! Just- It's- AHH! Too bucking funny! Shiny's always been slightly homophobic, so- ohmygosh, I would have given my magic just to see the look on his face!

As I came down from my latest bout of giggles, I noticed the girls were watching Jake and I with mixed expressions, but I honestly couldn't bring myself to care!

Not that I thought it would be too diffifult, but maybe housing and reforming this guy won't be as bad as I first thought?

"Y-you should r-really tell S-Shining that y-you're s-sorry!" I spluttered between my giggles, struggling not to collapse into full-blown laughter again.

Jake just gave me a smug half-smile. "I regret nothing!" He retorted, with no shame whatsoever!

-Rainbow Dash-

Watching Twi and that monkey-thing Jake really set my teeth on edge.

I don't like or trust him, not one bit. Princess Celestia wants us to reform this guy!? Who's next, Discord?

But even I have to admit, right now he just doesn't seem as much a monster as the Princess hinted at, if you ignore the bloodstained hoodie. Just a young monkey-thing that got the shortest end of the stick. Heck, if I read what she was saying right, the Princess implied that what Jake went through was exponentially worse than what Scoots experienced!

Knowing he's suffered so much makes it kinda hard to be suspicious, but I am anyway.

'Sides, somepony in this group has to be suspicious, and it might as well be me! Hay, if Jake starts something, I'm know I can handle him!

I'm the toughest mare in Ponyville, after all!

…

Did the room get colder or am I just imagining things?

-Luna-

Under the guise of a cleverly woven illusion, Luna watched as Jake and Twilight interacted with each other, and the other five Bearers debated whether or not they should take Jake on.

The memories she had seen during her brief trip into Jake's mind painted him in the worst possible light. Back in the Old Days, she would've had Jake beheaded in short order upon discovering what an absolute monster he was in his past life.

But, Tia was right in telling her that things do not work that way anymore, nor should they have in the first place. Equestria _was_ founded on the values of harmony and friendship, after all.

More the pity, really. If beheadings were still allowed, Tia wouldn't have to suffer the ignorance and greed of the "noble" ponies.

Well, it would be reduced to a fraction of what it was nowadays, at the very least.

However, Luna was glad that Tia decided Jake to be deserving of reformation. He seemed to be very well taken with Twilight, something she could relate to.

He did, however, seem to be tolerant at best, and dismissive at worst, of the others.

What with Pinkie's… pinkieness, Applejack and Rainbow Dash's suspiciousness, Fluttershy's timid nature, and Rarity's fussiness, it was understandable. In truth, Luna was much closer to Twilight then the other Bearers, Pinkie especially.

Luna knew that Pinkie was just playing during her first Nightmare Night, but it still hurt, to see everypony flee from her like that.

Tia told her not to begrudge Pinkie, but Luna would always hold slight, but mostly unintentional disdain for the party pony.

Jake then gestured Twilight to sit beside him, offering her one of the earbuds to his music device. Luna scowled slightly, wishing she'd taken the time to learn modern eavesdropping spells!

-Twilight-

Jake patted the floor next to him, offering on of his earbuds to me. "What?" I asked as I took the earbud in my magic.

"What kinda music do you like?"

Oh, music from another world! I wanted _so_ badly to start jumping around in excitement, but I somehow managed to contain myself. "Eeeeeeeeee! Musicfromanotherworld! MUSICFROMANOTHERWORLD!"

I never said I was able to keep myself from squealing like a fan-girl at- well, y'know. Jake let out a heavy sigh, propping his chin on his hand. "Done yet?"

I blushed, once again, as I gathered myself. "S-sorry! I- um, I uh like all sorts of music! Um, could you choose one for me? Ohmygosh, this is so exciting!"

Jake scratched at the thin goatee on his chin, staring up at the ceiling as he thought about it. After a few moments, Jake started swiping at the screen of his iPod. I don't know for sure, but I think that's how he finds the song he wants to listen to, kind of like a fast-forward, but for whole songs! Eventually, he found a song, judging by his smirk.

"This one's called 'Monster' by 'Skillet'." Jake answered my unasked question, "You don't mind rock, do you?"

"No, not if it isn't too... heavy." At first I didn't care much for it, but after going to a few concerts with Rainbow and, shockingly enough, Fluttershy, I developed a liking towards the music genre. My personal favorite, of course, was Metallicolt.

"Put this in your ear then. I've got one for ya..."

As soon as I stuck the tiny earbud in my ear, Jake started blasting me with a painfully loud song! Although, after yelling at asking him to lower the volume, and listening for a few moments, I couldn't help but feel that Jake picked this particular song to tell me something about himself.

-Jake-

I love "Monster"! Fuck, it's almost like it was written just for me! I'll admit, I did pick the song to give her a bit of a scare, but she took it pretty damn well!

After the song finished, I found myself returning an excited hug and talking to Twilight about what sort of books she enjoys, which led to a discussion about the curious parallels between this world and my world.

In all honesty, Twilight surprised me. I figured she was smart but the goddamn mare is a genius, especially compared to a lot of folk back home! Honestly, this mare should be the head of some research division, not a fucking librarian in a rural town!

Seriously, Celestia! What the fuck is wrong with you!? I'm pretty goddamn sure that you've got some sort of mind-reading mumbo-jumbo bullshit going on!

Whatever. Me and Twilight eventually wrapped up our conversation with a promise to compare cultures later, so I decided to do test out an idea I had within minutes of noticing how ponies use their ears similarly to dogs and cats.

I reached over to Twilight and scratched behind one of her ears.

While I expected some sort of reaction, I _wasn't_ expecting her to fucking _purr_ at me, and bonelessly flop on the ground with a dopey little smile on her face! Not after a few light scratches!

I stopped scratching to help her up, but her pitiful whining stopped me. It only made me start scratching her ear again!

Fucking goddamn PONIES! Why are they so godamn adorable! WHY?! Damn it! Damn it all to Hell!

Silver lining; those other mares were looking rather jealous of Twilight!

-Luna/Applejack/Rainbow Dash/Fluttershy/Rarity/Pinkie-

"_LUCKY BUCKING MARE!"_

-Twilight-

I sighed in helpless, shameless pleasure as Jake scratched away behind my ears. I never imagined having somepony- or rather someone, scratching my ears would feel _so_ bucking _good_! It felt a little… wrong, and just a tad arousing, because the only way for a pony to effectively replicate what he was doing with his fingertips, would be to chew on my ear, usually something that only lovers (and really frisky ponies) do with each other.

Jake didn't seem to have any romantic interest in me, nor did I have any in him, so I simply laid there, allowing him to scratch me into a higher state of being! Okay, that might be a slight exaggeration, but still. I had a feeling that Jake and I had just stumbled onto the start of something beautiful.

But, like all good things, Jake and his wonderful ear-scratching had to come to an end. The princesses returned to the throne room, wanting to know what we decided. Rarity was won over by Pinkie and Fluttershy, and I, of course, was more than happy to help Jake! Applejack and Rainbow hadn't budged much from their position, but their compassion won out over their mistrust and dislike of Jake, so we came to a grudgingly unanimous vote to help Jake! The princesses gave us each a suite for the next few nights, then left us to our own devices again.

With that out of the way, the girls and I said our goodbyes to Jake, and left for our suites. Not after getting one last ear scratch in, though!

"Good night, Jake." I mumbled as Jake scratched my ear, "I'll see you tomorrow to talk some more, and in a couple days, you'll be moving in with me in Ponyville! Oh, this is so exciting!" I would have been more animated, but Jake's ear-scratching just wouldn't allow it!

"Night." Was Jake's simple reply.

Jake gave my ears one last scratch, patted me on the head, and helped me up. Like a true gentlecolt, as Rarity would say, but for after talking with Jake, I don't think gentlecolt is a word that could be used in the same sentence with him.

Not with a straight face, at any rate.

Jake gave me that same half-smile he'd been giving me as I trotted over to my friends. "See ya tomorrow Twi."

"T-Twi?" I stuttered, slowly starting to blush. Why, I don't know, but it was starting to get annoying.

"Yeah." Jake said, scratching his cheek, "Twilight Sparkle is too fucking saccharine for my tastes, so I shortened it. What, you don't like it?"

"N-no, it's not that. I'm just surprised, is all." I responded. We just became friends, and he's already giving me a pet name? I must've made one heck of an impression!

Jake chuckled, no doubt understanding what I meant, and slowly stood up. I knew that Jake was tall, but standing right next to him? Big Mac probably only comes up to his chest!

Most ponies find large creatures to be intimidating on a primal level, but it doesn't really bother me too much. Even if the creature in question is twice as tall as I am, and did some really, really bad things...

No, Jake is my friend! He wouldn't hurt me! Besides, if what the princesses said is correct, he wasn't fully in control of himself when he did those things!

I shook my head to clear it of those unnecessary thoughts, and turned to the girls with a smile.

"I don't know about you, but I'm beat! I'm gonna go get some sleep. Goodnight, girls!"

Everypony made varying sounds of agreement, except for Pinkie, of course. She looked like she wanted to ask Jake for some ear scratches too, or maybe some tummy rubs!

What is with that mare and tummy rubs anyway? I mean sure they're nice but she acts like a Moon Sugar junkie when it comes to her tummy rubs!

Well, if those are anything like ear-scratches, then I can see where she's coming from!

-Jake-

I watched as the mares silently (and sleepily) left, not bothering to turn around when I heard the clip-clop of hooves behind me.

I figured there was someone left behind to watch me.

I found myself face to face with Celestia's sister, what's her name again? Luna I think? Yeah. Luna.

"Heh, Luna. Lunar, Lunatics. Heheh."

Did I said that out loud! I sheepishly scratched my cheek as I cleared my throat, an "I didn't do anything" grin on my face.

The face failed. Epically.

"So, uh, what can I do for you Luna?"

Luna gave me a deadpan glare at my Luna-related puns, to which I smiled.

"I honestly didn't mean to say that out loud!"

"Well…" Luna started, seemingly ignoring what I said, "At least things won't be boring with you around!"

With that, Luna turned around and walked off, leaving me dumbfounded and mildly irritated.

What the fuck just happened!?

"Follow me if you don't want to return to your cell!" Luna called over her shoulder.

Yeah, I kinda booked it to follow the lunar wingycorn.

Hey, just because I knew they're called alicorns didn't mean I had any intention to start calling them that!

-Luna-

The walk to Jake's new temporary home, a fairly luxurious suite in the wing opposite of the Bearers, was a short one that was done in complete silence.

Jake was silent because he just wasn't very talkative, Twilight aside, whereas Luna really didn't know how to even approach the human.

Did he truly wish to repent for his sins? Or was it just a clever trick only a sociopath such as he could pull off?

The only kind of evil Luna had dealt with was evil that knows it's being evil, never with an evil that never knew what it was doing. Time would only tell.

Surprisingly, Jake took the initiative to break the ice as the two neared his suite.

"So, when or where is dinner?" He asked simply.

"In just an hour. I take it you wish to dine with us?" Luna asked, curiously.

"Yeah, I figure it'd be best to make friendly with the pe- ponies, that could send me to the fucking sun, or whatever." Jake responded.

Luna giggled lightly at that, she understood what Jake was getting at. Between the two sisters, Celestia actually has the fiercest temper! Oh yes, under that regal mask lies all the fury of the sun, just waiting to be unleashed.

An example of that is the Plain Rock incident. During the early years of the Griffin civil war a force of two hundred rogue griffins pillaged a pony settlement, raping the fillies and mares, and torturing all of them before eating them alive, and finally burning the settlement to the ground.

When Celestia heard the news, she teleported right out of her Day Court, tracked down the griffins responsible for the massacre, and instantly reduced them to ash.

Granted, she was remorseful that she had to do it, but it proves that Celestia isn't just a political mare! She has the fire to do what's needed to be done!

"And what would you prefer to dine on?" Luna asked.

"Uh, some macaroni and cheese, peas, and some meat, if I can get any. Like a, uh, a steak, and some bacon, and maybe even some chicken?" Jake asked, somewhat nervously.

Luna stifled a smirk at his nerves. He already knew that ponies are herbivorous by nature, so it was only logical to think that his hosts not only didn't serve meat, but would also ostracize him for his carnivorous needs.

"Do not fret, dear Jake. My sister and I have have hosted carnivores before." Luna assured, "You'll have some meat for dinner. But know that when you leave for Ponyville, meat will be very scarce, unless you venture into the Everfree and hunt some for yourself."

Jake shrugged and nodded in response. He'd expected something like that.

"So, why don't you tell me something about yourself? So far I only know about Celestia, what's _your_ story?" Jake asked curiously.

Luna blushed ever so slightly at the interest Jake was showing, something Jake immediately caught onto and chuckled over. It was flattering really, as even in these modern times, aside from academics, there were not many ponies interested in her opinions and such.

"Well, since you are interested..."

Jake would learn a great deal of things during his new life in Equestria, one of the most important being that Luna is the biggest chatterbox in all of Equestria!

They passed the remainder of their walk in amicable chatter, with Jake offering his own thoughts and opinions on current events to Luna.

-Jake-

Twenty minutes ago, Luna dropped me off in my new room and told me she'd fetch me for dinner in an hour.

In that time, I took great advantage of the giant fucking bathroom, taking a sinfully wonderful shower, and found two sets of clean clothes, a black hoodie and grey jeans with undergarments, and a set of pajamas.

That, of course, left me wondering when the fuck they got my measurements! Then again, I _was_ in a coma for a little while, I suppose.

At the moment, though, I stood out on the balcony watching the city below as I pondered the many things I learned from and about the Lunar Diarch.

Luna, I found, was a mare out of the times. She was apparently possessed by an evil spirit called the "Nightmare", and Celestia had to seal her away in the moon for a thousand fuckin' years or something like that.

Talk about a harsh fuckin' time-out!

But, about six months back she returned to Equestria, and was going to bring about an eternal night. Which, I'm pretty sure, would've eventually destroyed all life. Good plan? Great plan!

Yeah, no. She was stopped by those six mares from earlier, including Twilight. How'd they do it? They used some fucking magical artifacts called "The Elements of Harmony" to free Luna from the Nightmare.

And ever since then she's been playing catch up!

Fuck all that studying! I had enough of that shit in middle school, cramming for tests! Just thinking about it makes my head hurt!

I also learned that we shared some kind of "kinship", or some shit like that. You know, me with the whole "Sandman" alter-ego, and Luna with her *snort* "Nightmare Moon" alter ego!

Ooh, Nightmare Moon, such a terrifying and devious name!

Yeah, fuck that, I'd probably be too busy laughing my ass off to be intimidated!

I shook my head as I walked back into my room, deciding to relax and wait for dinner. Hell, maybe I'll read one of those books Luna said Celestia suggested I read to familiarize myself with pony culture.

I covered my eyes and blindly grabbed a book off the table, committing myself to read it, start to finish before I even knew what it was about. When I did look at the title, it was with a deadpan expression on my face.

_The Idiot's Guide to Equestrian Social Norms and Culture_

"Really, Celestia? Fucking really!?"


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Notes: This will be the last chapter I'll be posting for a while, at least until WhoNeedsSanityAnyways get's his computer fixed and can help me out with editing.

Chapter 5: Moving and Settling In

-Fluttershy-

Hearth's Warming was close, only about a week away, but to Fluttershy, it still felt like the day was upon her, Jake, and her friends much too soon. As such, the princesses, girls, and Jake had all congregated in a private sitting room, spending some quality time with one another.

Fluttershy especially loved this time of year, when ponies of all tribes and all walks of life drew together in harmony. Well, almost all ponies. Most of the snooty Canterlot nobles chose to associate solely with other snooty nobles, but that's on them then! Hay, she was just happy that she had a wonderful group of friends willing to spend their Hearth's Warming Day with her.

Why? Well, Fluttershy never knew her parents. Her mother passed away shortly after Fluttershy was born, due to childbirth complications. Her father was a member of Delta Company, 2nd Battalion, of the 7th Royal Guard Regiment that was sent to deal with a renegade dragon just after she turned three. He'd said his goodbyes, made arrangements for her to stay with her aunt Posey, and told Fluttershy that he might not be coming back, but it still hurt when she received the letter informing her he had perished in the battle against the dragon. She wasn't alone, however, as barely a quarter of Delta Company survived, but that was no consolation to the young filly. After his ashes were scattered below Cloudsdale, Fluttershy moved in with Posey, rather than being shuffled about between her various relatives. Posey loved and cared for Fluttershy like a daughter, so it wasn't all bad.

She turned her thoughts towards Rainbow Dash as the speedster hung around the snack table with Applejack, softly smiling at the sight of the two having yet another eating contest. Silly Dashie, when was she going to learn? Applejack _always_ packs more food away!

Along with Ditzy and Blossomforth, Rainbow Dash was one of the few friends she had in Cloudsdale, and the only one really willing to stand up to the trio of bullies that preyed on the weaker and clumsy fliers at Flight Camp. Of course, it took the timid pegasus filly almost a year to work up the courage to speak to the brash, tomcolt filly, but the resulting friendship was well worth it.

Said friendship was currently driving Fluttershy up a wall at the moment, though. She simply couldn't understand why Rainbow didn't see that Jake wanted to make up for all the wrongs he'd committed!

Was it paranoia? Xenophobia? Both? Or even worse, did she see it, and was willfully ignoring that fact over silly paranoia or bigotry? No, Fluttershy just didn't understand why, or how Rainbow could be so cold to the human. Sure, he'd done some horrible, terrible things that even the princesses didn't want to speak of, but... no, he was just a scared, lost, lonely little boy at heart. A boy that had done some bad things, but she had a feeling that those things had hurt him on the inside, just as much as it hurt everyone else affected.

Hay, even AJ warmed up to the human! Granted, that might've been because Jake commented that he spent about two years with an old couple that ran a farm. That piqued her interest, but what truly won her over was him describing it as "the best two goddamn years of my life", and that he misses living on a farm. The sentiment was genuine, as he had no shortage of things to say about his life on the farm.

That was another thing that Fluttershy liked about Jake, that he rarely mentioned the bad, preferring to talk about the good times and individuals he'd experienced in his short life. Well, what little good he knew, that is. But when he mentioned them, Jake would get a far-away look in his eyes, and a small smile would touch his lips.

A small shudder ran down her spine at the thought of what he could have done to require reformation, but if his life really was as bad as he said it was... Well, sometimes, no matter how good the good times are, they just aren't enough to outweigh the bad, and if you're not careful, you get caught up, lost in and finally consumed by the negative. Psychosis, depression, even insanity follows, and twists you, turning you into something that should not be.

Fluttershy knew, though, deep down in her heart, that Jake truly had a good heart, even if he used to be a monster. She had a hard time believing that as well, as nice (in his own way) he was to her and the rest of the girls. But, he had admitted to it, so...

It seemed that he was simply a product of his environment. It's a sad fact but when one knows only violence, they are much likelier to resort to violence when confronted or hurting.

And that is why Fluttershy wanted to help Jake, not for the Celestia or Luna, but for Jake's sake. Before she moved to Ponyville, she'd lived in Los Pegasus for a year with her cousin Sunny Smiles, working in a soup kitchen. She had seen ponies broken by a harsh life and habits, and learned that those ponies never truly recover. Without a helping hoof, most tend to waste away, and although it was almost unheard of nowadays, some ponies were so crushed by their life, that the only option they could see was suicide.

"Can I help you, Fluttershy?"

Fluttershy jumped and let out a tiny, embarrassed squeak as she realized she had zoned out while staring at Jake. Blinking owlishly, Fluttershy looked up at Jake, clad in a pair of simple cotton shorts and a shirt, his customary hoodie and jeans nowhere in sight.

"Y-you just seemed so lonely, nopony should be alone during the holidays." Fluttershy softly replied.

Jake grimaced as his face cycled through a range of expressions; acknowledgement, pain, realization, amusement, before finally settling on acceptance. Jake didn't say a word but simply shrugged and adjusted his position to allow Fluttershy to join him on the couch. She gave him a tiny, yet warm smile as they sat in silence, observing the happenings between the girls and the princesses.

"I used to spend time like this on the farm with my foster family years ago." Jake silently commented, "Looking back, I wonder why couldn't I have simply stayed with them? If I had, things would've been different. I wouldn't have became a monster."

Fluttershy didn't say a word, knowing that Jake needed to get these feelings out in the open if he was ever going to heal. The process wouldn't be easy or clean, nor would it be quick. It would be a long, messy, and painful affair for everypony involved, but it needed to happen, and Fluttershy knew that the princesses knew that as well.

Hay, that's probably why she and her friends were chosen to reform Jake in the first place!

"Reminds me of what I used to have," Jake continued, "wonder what that couple thinks of me now? What do they think of the boy who snapped and became an urban legend, a cruel, sadistic motherfucking monster?"

"I don't know about that, Jake." Fluttershy softly replied, gentling laying a comforting hoof on his hand, "But what I do know is that you have a second chance. You may never make peace with what you did, but what's important is the time you're given."

Jake grunted in response with a thoughtful look on his face, something Fluttershy took as a good sign. The two spent the rest of their evening in silence watching and observing the others.

-Jake-

Watching the girls and the princesses interact made me long for the simpler days. More specifically, the days back on the farm owned by the Keaths. That was five years before my first murder, y'know, the thing that sent me down the very dark path to becoming the most infamous serial killer in American history.

I also couldn't help but think over what Fluttershy said, about making the most of the time I've been given. I guess I can't be too surprised that she's an intellectual, though. From the first conversation I had with her, she struck me as the wise, caring type, kinda like a "town mom", y'know? Nah, too young to be a town mom, heh. Town-sister? I dunno.

Never had a biological sister, nor did I ever really hold any female close enough to be considered a sister. All my foster-sisters were utter bitches, anyways. Hell, some even tried to use me as a form of relief after a stressful day! Always got the blame pinned on me, though, whenever I fought back or refused their advances, but I didn't care. No way in hell was I gonna let some cunt beat on me, and I'd rather stick my dick in a fucking meat grinder than some of the nasty, loose bitches that came on to me.

Needless to say, I tended to avoid the opposite sex as much as humanly possible (and then some!), until I was pushed over the edge. Then I started giving them a taste of their own medicine...

Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I turned my attention to the girls with a silent sigh. It took a couple days, but I eventually warmed up to them. Well, as much as I could manage in six days.

Applejack? I knew I was either gonna like her, or hate her when I heard her southern accent. Hell, her accent, freckles, and the goddamned stetson sitting on her head was so outrageously stereo, I had to bite my tongue to keep from bursting into laughter! And then, of course, there's the fact that she wears her hair- mane, and her tail, in a goddamn ponytail!

Get it, **pony**tail? Get it, get it? Y'know, because- ah, fuck you.

But her stereo appearance aside, we got along pretty well after I mentioned how much I loved living with the Keaths. Hell, she gave me the juiciest, most delicious fucking apple I've ever had the honor of sinking my teeth into.

Pinkie? Let's ignore, for a second, the fact that she's so pink, it almost hurts to look at her. She's got a high-pitched, somewhat annoying voice, and seems to break the laws of physics (or what passes for them in this weird Candyland realm) on a regular basis. And let's not forget her hyperactiveness! It's... trying, to put it lightly.

That aside, she's got a heart of gold, and an innocent demeanor that I would [I]_love_[/i] to break-

Yeah, let's **not** go down that road, kay? Anyways, she's a wicked cool little gal, and very perceptive and intelligent to boot. Well, when she isn't driving you up the wall with her constant cheeriness, rock-hard party-boner or blatant disregard for the laws of physics, that is. Damn fine baker, too.

So yeah, awesome, adorable little gal, but she's the type of perso- pony, that you can only take in small, but slowly increasing doses. She grows on ya, that's for sure.

Rarity? Miss Ficklefussy? Took her the longest, out of all my new acquain- friends, to get used to me, but she still made me a small wardrobe's worth of clothing when Twilight forced me to ask the question came to mind. For free, too! A bit too... girly, and fussy, for my tastes. Well, most of the time, anyways, but she's still pretty cool.

And last but not least, there's Twilight. She took a liking to me almost instantly, and aside from our initial misunderstanding, we haven't had a single problem. It's no wonder that she's the de facto "leader" of her little coterie, she's very... understanding, and open-minded, not to mention caring and pretty goddamn tenderhearted. Add to the mix that she's probably fucking smarter than ten of me put together, and her "alpha-mare" demeanor?

Yeah, total leader-material.

But that aside, she's rather "adorkable" (thanks, Pinkie!), excitable, and endlessly curious about... well, everything! So fucking adorable! I'll tell you one thing for sure, we really... connected, on a more basic level from the moment we really started talking. I know more about her, and vice verse, than I did about anybody before, save for the Keaths. It's... I dunno. All I can say, is that I know I can tell her anything, and she won't judge or ostracized me for it. Like I said, awesome little gal.

And starting tomorrow, I get to go live with her! I don't know why I'm so excited about that, but hey, I'll take it! It's not exactly a foster home, but it's nice to finally be excited about a new home! Especially since I'm gonna have a kick-ass, adorable little pony as a roommate!

Rounding up the rest of the six meant to "reform" me, there's Rainbow "Skittles" Dash. Not to be mean, but-

Yeah, fuck that. She's been nothing short of a cunt every time I've seen her. Seriously, what is her fucking problem!? I mean, yeah, I can understand if she was just being all paranoid and shit, worrying about her friends. I'd commend her for that, matter of fact! Y'know what they say, a healthy dose of paranoia is good! But fuck me if it doesn't seem like she has a... personal vendetta, or something against me!

But you know what? Fuck her, that's what! If she isn't willing to give me a chance, then why the fuck should I bother giving her one?

Heh, speaking of which, maybe she just needs a good, hard fucking! Maybe that'll take the proverbial stick out of her ass!

Twi glanced back at me, looking a little surprised to see Fluttershy cuddled up against me, but smiled regardless. Hell, she was probably happy that I was opening up to someone other than her. I gave her my usual half-smile and a small nod, as I absentmindedly started petting Fluttershy.

Judging by her soft cooing, the timid pegasus obviously didn't object my actions. Why the fuck do these ponies have to be so goddamn adorable?

I closed my eyes with a silent chuckle and started to relax, something I've always found to be difficult, given how goddamn paranoid I am. Hell, I never could relax around anyone before, but just a few days with these ponies I have no problem relaxing.

Then I realized they're getting to me!

"ITSTIMEFORPRESENTS!" Pinkie screamed out and jumped into the air, hovering there for a few seconds, in her usual blatant Pinkie-like blatant disregard for... well, reality.

I almost shed a tear as I realized that I didn't so much as flinch.

Yeah, they're definitely getting to me. If I was a religious fellow, I'd be sending up a prayer or twenty, pleading for the mercy of a swift death!

-Twilight-

I really don't want for this day to end! What with me living in Ponyville, I rarely get to spend time with Princess Celestia anymore. Hay, sometimes I wish that whole "Mare in the Moon" prophecy was just a bunch of horseapples, so I could stay in Canterlot and continue my studies with Princess Celestia. But then again, if it wasn't for that prophecy I would've never ended up making such great friends, or ever have so much fun in my life!

I'd probably be a reclusive, anti-social mare that never ventured out of her room, save for visits to the kitchens, the princess or the royal archives.

I used to think that wouldn't have been a bad fate, but ever since Princess Celestia forced me out into the world, I honestly can't imagine living such a life.

Besides, if I kept going down that path, I probably would've ended up grossly overweight with seventy-nine cats. Eww.

And then, of course, there's Jake! For all his faults I can't help but to like Jake, he's so... different from anypony else, in a good way, that is. I find his direct mannerisms rather refreshing!

Oh. My. Gosh! I just sounded like Princess Celestia!

All joking aside, the only reason I was chatting with Princesses Celestia and Luna instead of cuddling up beside Jake and talking with him is because I rarely ever see the princesses. I felt bad for… neglecting Jake like that, but Fluttershy took it upon herself to keep Jake company.

But that's enough of that, it's time for presents! Oh, I hope everypony likes what I got for them! I would have gotten something for Jake but his appearance was just so sudden, I didn't have the time or bits to get him anything!

Well, there's always next year! I wonder what he'd like?

Pinkie, of course, dove into the presents and started swimming through them- yes, _swimming through them_, much like a fish. How she did it I haven't the faintest clue, but I've learned to just accept it and move on. Just Pinkie being Pinkie I guess. After swimming around for a couple seconds, she popped out and quickly started passing out the presents, and without further ado we tore into them. I'm not ashamed to say that I felt like a little filly again, tearing the wrapping paper all to pieces in my excitement with my friends.

I got Fluttershy the three latest books on veterinarian techniques, fauna and flora of the Everfree, and medicinal remedies, as well as some romance novels by the author Light Heart. I know how she loves Light Heart! Oddly enough, though, she gave the technical books a strange look, before smiling to herself and thanking me.

I got Rarity a half-dozen books on Prench designs and some rather... steamy love novels by Sunny Smiles. Judging by her embarrassed, yet pleased grin, I think she likes her present.

For Pinkie, I got an assortment of international cookbooks, as well as a big bag of hard candies. I honestly didn't have to look to see if she loved them.

Applejack was the hardest one to find a gift for, in all honesty. I almost drove myself crazy trying to find something for her, but in the end, Spike suggested alcohol. So, I got her a couple of kegs of that special spicy cider her cousin in Appleoosa makes, and two bottles of vodka, imported from Stalliongrad, one Pepper, and the other Apple.

Rainbow? She was easy to buy for. A ticket to the Wonderbolts tour next summer, as well as an autographed, framed picture of the Wonderbolts in uniform had Rainbow squealing like the fangirl she is and tackling me with a hug. Of course, she immediately jumped off, trying to act nonchalant about it, but the damage was done.

I think she likes her presents.

Per her request, I didn't get anything really big for Luna, just a comprehensive guide I wrote to help her with the language and cultural norms of today. She was too busy fawning over Pinkie's "Legit-as-BUCK Moonpies" to thank me, but that's okay. I know she'll get some good use out of it!

And last but not least, I bought a gift voucher to the Cake Factory, a really popular cake store in Manehatten, for Celestia. She quietly and politely thanked me for the voucher, but I knew that she would make the mighty transformation into the Tyrant Cake-lestia.

Okay, not really, but I always found her addiction affinity for cakes of all sorts both amusing, and slightly worrying. I don't know how many times I'd go to the kitchens as a filly, just to see Princess Celestia cramming cake down her throat.

But, like all good things, our little Hearth's Warming celebration came to an end, and I found myself, the rest of the girls, and Jake being escorted to the train station by some Solar Guards, with Shiny leading the way. I couldn't help but notice the one-sided distain between Shiny and Jake, probably over what happened in the dungeons.

I'd be pretty mad if I was Shiny, but I'm not. C'mon, "purty mouth"? If laughing at that is wrong, I don't wanna be right!

Before we all boarded the train, I pounced on Shiny and gave him a big hug, which he returned with equal fervor. He thought he could sneak a glare past me at Jake as he hugged me. A bop to the head quickly told him it didn't work.

"I love you Shiny! Take care of yourself!" I chirped.

As we separated and boarded the train, Jake plopped down next to me and gave me his usual half-smile, which caused me to blush, for some odd reason. I don't know why, it just happened, alright?! Maybe because he jumped to my defense so quickly, I don't know. All I know is that it was bucking _hilarious_ to see Blueblood running for his momma with his tail tucked between his legs!

"I think your brother doesn't like me." Jake said, in the dryest tone imaginable.

"I wonder why?" I responded sarcastically, my tone just as dry as his.

That elicited another one of his strange chuckles, something I plan on researching as soon as we get home!

-Rarity-

Despite her initial reservations regarding Jake, Rarity found the human, while far from the epitome of a gentlecolt, was not without his own virtues.

She found his uncouth "Zero bucks to Give" attitude to be rather charming, in a roguish manner.

Especially when "Prince" Blueballs Blueblood decided to… ahem, "grace" them with his presence.

At first Jake was absolutely passive, ignoring the ponce of a prince as he pointlessly berated the servants, until Twilight told him to leave them alone. Of course, the prick started to lambast Twilight over she and her friends "ruined" the Gala, to the point where she had tears in her eyes.

Jake reacted in a rather predictable manner, all things considered.

He swiftly walked up behind the prince and knelt down beside him, draping his arm over Blueblood's shoulder (it looked more like Jake was putting Blueblood into a loose headlock from her perspective, but she'd never tell), grabbed a flattened ear with his other hand, and whispered something into it. How the lummox of a prince never noticed the giant (from her perspective, anyway) human walking up behind him in the first place, Rarity honestly couldn't understand. Hay, just watching him stalk up behind the prince, let alone the murderous glare he directed at the jerk was enough to make Rarity want to hide behind one of the pillars lining the hallway!

But, seeing as it was all aimed at the ignoramus Blueblood, it wasn't too bad.

Blueblood froze, fearful eyes staring straight ahead as Jake nodded his head for him, and roughly patted him on the back.

"That's a good little horsey, eh? Now get the fuck out of here before I change my mind!" Needless to say, Blueblood fled the scene like the three Furies were after him! It was bucking hilarious, and Rarity couldn't quite bring herself to care about being uncouth!

It was how quickly he jumped to Twilight's defense, though, that told Rarity that Jake wasn't a heartless beast. No, he was naught but a young colt that had undergone a horrible ordeal. That realization kind of brought out the nurturer in herself, whether it be maternal or sisterly, she honestly couldn't tell.

After everypony settled in on the train, Rarity glanced over at the silent human as he sat beside Twilight, and pondered on how to broach the subject of his rather… drab choice of clothing. Even though she made it for him, it was simply a quick fix for his clothing situation. He deserved something with a little more… pizzazz to it than what he was wearing!

As usual, an organized mess of ideas and plans bounced around inside Rarity's mind, something she could compare to Pinkie on a sugar rush.

However she wouldn't be able to put them on paper until she got back to Ponyville, so she turned to another thought that she'd been mulling over since lunch.

"Jake, darling, what exactly did you say to Blueblood to make him flee so?"

Jake's response was a grin that looked positively draconic- no... predatory? Yes, predatory. Rarity couldn't help the shiver that ran down her spine as he momentarily focused that predatory, hungry grin on her.

-Jake-

What exactly did I say? Nothing much, just asked him to fuck off. Politely.

"_Hey, pretty boy. I don't like the fact that you're talking shit about my… my friends, especially Twilight, so here's what's gonna happen. You are gonna shut your cock-sucker and leave, or I'm going to break that horn off your head and shove it up your ass, Broken. End. First. Understand?"_

Well, as politely as I could manage for that sad sack of shit.

It worked, though! My words pierced right through his aura of arrogance and ignorance, like an ice pick through the temple!

Goddamn, if only I had my kit! I could teach him _so_ many things about pain!

I'm not sure if Celestia would hold it against me or not, though. I wouldn't kill him, honest! Even I have standards and I don't kill the "Special Needs" people. Ponies. Whatever.

When I'm sane, that is. Get it? Cause I wasn't sane be- oh fuck you all!

Besides, I think he's her niece nephew, and I'm pretty sure that she wouldn't take it too well. Hammer of Dawn, y'know?

"I told him if he didn't fuck off I would do some unpleasant things to him." I replied, wide grin still adorning my face, "Involving my breaking off his horn and _possibly_ dry fucking him with it." I tilted my head, "Broken. End. First."

Everyone, even Skittles, fell over laughing. Obviously Prince Blue… something doesn't play well with others? But the loudest happened to be that mare Rarity. Hell, she was literally rolling on the floor, laughing out loud!

Even the kindly Flutters was amused!

I flicked my gaze over to Twilight where she sat beside me, holding her belly as she laughed. Her eyes met mine, and she gave me a sweet, grateful little smile as she hugged my arm tightly.

Argh, the feels, man! The feels!

They're trying to make me soft, but… I think I might be okay with that.

Yeah right. Can't believe I thought that with a straight face!

Shaking my head slightly, I relaxed and closed my eyes, might as well get a nap in. Hell, who who knows what kind of madness lays beyond the castle?

-Twilight-

Seeing Jake close his eyes and go to sleep, I decided to ponder over how things were going to work. First things first, I would have to get him situated at the Golden Oaks, something that shouldn't be too much trouble, given how amicable Jake has been so far. Then I'll have to go to the mayor and get the paperwork filed to list Jake as a resident of Ponyville, and turn in his work permit.

But really, the hard part would be the citizens themselves. Given how close the town is to the Everfree, the ponies of Ponyville are a fairly skittish and over-reactive lot. I mean, sure, a lot of the ponies learned their lesson from the Zecora incident but… well, the more things change the more they stay the same.

"_Well, nothing worth doing is ever easy." _

Finding him a job won't be too hard, though. Judging from the fact that I've frequently walked in on him exercising, I figure he'd be best suited for manual labor, but he's also cerebral enough to be a teacher at times. I seriously doubt he has the patience to deal with hyperactive fillies and colts, though. He's definitely in a good enough shape to keep up with them, though!

"_I wonder… are humans normally so flexible? Or is it something unique to him?"_

The first time I walked in on him exercising, I freaked out and almost started crying. I thought he broke his back, alright? Y'know, what with him bending over backwards and touching the floor with his feet flat on the ground. He calmed me down, though, and explained that he was just doing yoga, and that it helps with his flexibility, amongst other things.

I admit my mind briefly went to a dirty place before I snapped out of it. He _did_ waggle his eyebrows at me suggestively when he said that...

Apparently, there's also a bit of a spiritual aspect to it where he's from, but Jake never gave it much thought, claiming himself to be an 'atheist', whatever that is.

That aside, I'm pretty sure Jake's got a possible job already at Sweet Apple Acres, what with him already being familiar with farm life. But I don't really think that'll be enough, Jake seems the sort to cause all sorts of mischief when bored.

Y'know, "Idle hooves are Discord's workshop" and all that.

But, I can't hold his hoo- hand the whole way. If Jake is ever going to integrate into pony society, he'll have to do a lot of the legwork himself! Besides, it builds character!

Plans finalized, I gave myself a satisfied nod and turned back to the girls, only to be pulled into the latest gossip.

I'm convinced that Rarity has a secret side-job as an information broker, or something like that. Seriously, how else would Rarity keep up with all of her gossip?

-Jake-

I slept pretty hard for the next couple hours, the dull 'clickety-clack' of the rails ensuring that I stayed that way. When the train woke me up (by motherfucking _screeching_ to a stop!) we were at the Ponyville train station. I yawned as I stretched and gave the conductor and the roof of the train a one finger salute, and stood up. After a moment thought, I grabbed Twi's bags before she could. Y'know, letting me live with her and all that.

Also, I kinda wanted to see that cute little smile of hers again.

I'm guessing Twi enchanted her saddlebags to be bigger on the inside or something, cause that was all she had with her, and I know she had to pack her gifts away somewhere!

Twi gave me another grateful little smile (aww yeah!) as we exited the train station, and I watched as she hugged each of the others, before they split up and headed to their homes. Well, most of them. Before Rainbow Dash well dashed off she gave me a suspicious, almost hateful glare, which I unwaveringly mirrored.

Bitch please! It'll take more than a fucking… rainbow pony glaring at me to rile me up!

She blinked first, though, and flew off to her home in the sky. Did I know pegasi lived in the clouds? No, not really. Did it surprise me? Again, no not really. Honestly, I think I'm starting to become jaded with all this fucking candyland magic shit happening around me on a regular basis!

I looked over at Twi, who seemed rather annoyed at something, and shrugged. Twi simply sighed and motioned for me to follow. And follow I did, to a rather… large… tree... house… thing?

"What the fuck?" I muttered as I stared at the something that any young child would sell his or her soul for.

A tree-house. Literally. A tree. House. It's like a Disney character's wettest dream!

"Welcome to the Golden Oaks library!" Twi chirped, missing my befuddled cursing, "The bottom floor is where the majority of the books are, and I live up top with my assistant Spike! He's a baby dragon! Oh, I hope he doesn't get jealous or anything!"

I bit back a chuckle and merely shrugged. If the little fucker gets jealous, well that's tough shit!

Wait… did she say baby dragon? Like a treasure-hoarding, maiden stealing, burninating the countryside kind of dragon? Well… this might be interesting!

Besides, if he starts anything, I might get to find out if dragon scales are as tough as legend says they are...

-Twilight-

Why is he staring at my home? Hasn't he ever seen a tree house before? Must be a human thing.

"Well, come on in!" I exclaimed, "I sent Spike a letter as soon as the princesses assigned you to us, so a room should be ready for you!"

Jake nodded and followed me into my tree-brary, where he was dumbstruck yet again! What? Didn't I mention to him that I lived in a library? Oh, I hope he doesn't think I'm a weirdo for living in a library!

"Nice place you got here." Jake commented, "I won't have to go far to find something to read!"

I already had an apology on the tip of my tongue for living in a library, but it died just as quickly as I thought of it. Did Jake just... complement me? On my living arrangements? That… well that's a first! Even in Ponyville, I sometimes catch snide remarks because I live in a library, and not an actual house.

Never from my friends of course, though Rainbow does love teasing me for my bookworm ways.

"W-well, uh, thank you, Jake." I responded with a smile, "Ummm, follow me, if you would. I'll show you your room so you can settle in! Maybe we'll see Spike as well! I think you'll like him!"

I trotted off with a little skip in my step, Jake following with an amused smirk on his face.

-Jake-

Why? Why do these fucking ponies have to be so goddamn adorable!? Seriously, watching Twi perk up when I complimented her living situation made me want to do nothing more than pick her up and cuddle her! Honestly, bookish little Twilight living in a library? Too fucking adorkable, not to mention fitting!

But, I didn't. I'm a fucking psychopath! Psychopath's do not cuddle! No matter how strong the urge is! So cute!

I shrugged and followed Twi up the stairs, ideally wondering how the fuck does one turn a tree into a house, without killing the fucking tree?

Of course, the answer is probably magic. Fucking magic.

Anyways, Twi tried to be a good tour guide and all (even though there was only a basement, the foyer, two bedrooms, a kitchen and a bathroom), but honestly I was just too fucking tired to care about her enthusiastic, excited tour. Yeah, yeah, I know I slept all the way from Canterlot to Ponyville, but I still feel exhausted. Maybe it's something in the air? Hell, that'd be something. Get a second chance at life, make some actual friends, only to die from a foreign parasite, virus or bacteria in the air.

Whatever. If I'm still alive when I wake up (how does that even make sense? I'm tired!), I'll think about it then.

"Twi, I'm sorry, but can you show me my room? I'm fucking exhausted. Don't ask me why, because I have no goddamn clue." I said between yawns.

"O-oh, okay! Well, um, just follow me, and I'll get you settled in." She replied, looking more than a little concerned over my strange exhaustion.

She jabbered at me as we made our way to my new room, but truth be told, it mostly went in one ear, and out the other. Something about a dresser, and needing my help to move something? I dunno.

I seriously don't know what's up with me.

When we reached my room I just walked in, didn't take off any clothes, and fell face first into the mattress. I fell asleep in short order.

-Twilight-

I watched as Jake stumbled over to his bed and collapsed in it, feeling very worried for his wellbeing. I don't know much about human physiology, as I wasn't able to [s]interrogate[/s learn more about him yet, but I'm pretty sure that it isn't normal for someone to sleep so much.

Wait, Princess Celestia should know about this! Besides, I really, really don't want Jake to get sick or anything!

Trotting off to locate Spike, I racked my brain as to what exactly could cause such a reaction in Jake. Malnutrition? No, he's been eating plenty, and getting enough meat as well. The feather flu? No, that's silly, the feather flu is a pegasus-exclusive disease. Oh, I- no, Princess Celestia or Luna will know, I'm sure.

Sure enough, as soon as I entered my room, I found Spike sleeping in his little bed. I hate waking him like this, but I'm worried over Jake.

"Spike, wake up." Spike didn't twitch, "Spike, wake up!" Spike rolled over and started snoring.

As he does.

If I was a petty pony, I'd probably do something like scream in his ear at the top of my lungs.

"SPIKEOHMGOSHYOUHAVETOWAKEUPBECAUSEIREALLYREALLYNEEDYOUTOHELPSOPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEWAKEUPBECAUSEIFYOUDONTILLBESOSADANDNEVERWANTTOTALKTOYOUAGAIN!"

Did I ever mention that I am such a pony?

"GAH! What the buck, Twilight?!" Well he's awake now, and going to get ten minutes in the time-out corner when I'm done with him!

"Spike, I need you to take a letter!" Spike looked at me confusedly, "Now, please! It's about Jake!"

"Oh, that hoomon you wrote about a couple days ago?" I simply nodded, suppressing the urge to grimace at the way he mangled a two letter word, "Oh, okay. Why didn't you just say so?" Spike replied, pulling out a piece of parchment and quill. I face-hoofed as I decided to give him twenty minutes in the corner instead.

"Ready Spike?" Spike nodded, parchment and quill at the ready. I nodded and assumed my usual diction stance.

"Ahem. Dear Princess Celestia, I think you'll be pleased to know that we arrived back in Ponyville with no complications. However, Jake suddenly came down with a case of extreme fatigue about five minutes ago, and I am worried that he is sick. I would like your advice on this matter, as I am stumped as to why Jake is sick. I really hope it's nothing too severe. As always, your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."

The scritch-scratch of a quill on parchment echoed through the library as Spike finished composing my letter. "Done and..." Spike blew a small gout of emerald flame, turning it to ash, and sending it straight to Celestia.

"Thanks, Spike! You're the best!"I smiled at my assistant, before I realized that he swore at me when the woke up! "Oh, and before I forget, go put a bit in the swear-jar, and take a seat in the corner for the next ten minutes." I know I said twenty minutes, but I'm not a sadist!

"Damn it!" Spike whined, presumably under his breath. I've been enforcing my swear-jar ever since I moved to Ponyville, though, so I still heard him. After all, I do strive to keep my swear-jar as full as possible!

The bits go towards new books for the library, not for me! Honest!

"Make that two bits and twenty minutes!"

Hey, he asked for it!

-Celestia-

Celestia let out a sigh of relief as she finally closed Day Court for the day. It was Hearth's Warming Day, so why was she sitting in judgment of a petition?

Nobles. Of course, a hoof-ful of her more… ugh. Long story short, one of her "noble" ponies dragged a commoner and his family into her Day Court, demanding an emergency session. What for? The less said about that, the better, but it really came down to a miserable stallion trying to ruin another pony's day for daring to enjoy theirs. Needless to say, she fined the bitter ba- stallion, and sent him on his merry way.

Perhaps she [i]_should_[/i] drag the guillotines out of the storage caverns? They certainly wou- No, that is no way to be thinking, especially on Hearth's Warming.

Truly, she loves all her little ponies, but is it so much to ask they not be so… arrogant, or foolish, or petty? Honestly, she has days where she feels that her government would be better run by foals!

Just as she was about to leave to and [s]go make sweet, sticky love with[/s] devour a cake with her name on it (no, seriously, it had her name on it), a familiar wisp of smoke winked into existence in front of her and snapped into the form of a rolled up letter.

"What could Twilight be writing about already? Didn't she just get back to Ponyville?" Taking the letter in her magic, she quickly read the surprisingly short letter. She then reread it, and promptly face-hoofed. "Of course… By the Maker, I'm getting old…" Ever since Jake and the Bearers left for Ponyville, Celestia had been feeling as if she was forgetting something!

Upon learning of Jake's origin from a magicless world, she and Luna had placed a charm around him to prevent him from getting sick from sudden exposure to the ambient magic of the world. It wasn't much of a problem in the dungeons, as the crystals embedded between the walls absorbed the ambient magic, making it nigh impossible for a prisoner to channel.

Of course, the charm was designed to only last for five days, so now Jake was suffering the full brunt of magical sickness, or MS.

One might ask how Celestia even knew that MS was a condition. One would be reminded that Celestia is older than the country she rules over, and as such, has seen many things.

That aside, MS has never proven to be lethal, just… extremely annoying and inconvenient to whoever is suffering from it. Extreme exhaustion, lethargy and grumpiness aside, MS is harmless.

And knowing Jake, he'll be rather… trying, to get along with while he is recovering.

"I should probably inform Twilight that Jake will be extremely crabby and moody, shouldn't I, Luna?"

Luna materialized with a muffled "Darn!" and trotted over to her sister. "How did you detect us, sister?"

Celestia gave her sister a gentle smile, and summoned a sheet of parchment and a quill. "I'm a good five centuries older than you, Luna, and Illusion magic always was one of my strongest suits. Now, don't you agree, dear sister?"

Luna rolled her eyes and nodded as Celestia quickly jotted down a reply and sent it. "Come, let us be on our way, Tia. Knowing you, there is a cake in the kitchens with your name on it, yes?"

Celestia flushed red, but nodded and made a beeline to the kitchen. She had a cake with her name on it, and not even Tartarus breaking loose would stop her from eating it!

-Twilight-

"Spike, you can get up now. Please don't swear again, okay?" Spike cheered, hopped off his stool, and headed right for the kitchen, not even bothering to glance at the clock. Yeah, I know, he was only sitting for about thirteen minutes, but- ***BELCH***

I trotted into the kitchen, intent on giving Spike a firm glare. "Spike! What have I said about- oh, a letter!" Taking the letter from Spike's extended hand, I quickly read it, and let out a relieved sigh.

"Huh, that's interesting. I'm just glad he's not seriously ill!"

Magical Sickness, eh? I wonder if Jake would let me run some tests on him?

I know one thing for sure, I'll need some help taking care of him! "Spike! Stay here with Jake! I need to go round up Pinkie and Fluttershy!"


End file.
